


a t m y e n d s

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Books, Caretaker Finn, Complete, F/M, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, If you dont like depressing shit look away, Imagination, Inspired by Clannad, Inspired by Music, Inspired by Your Lie In April, Painting, Rey and Ben are kids, Time Progression, inspired by the fault in our stars, minor stormpilot, mwahahahaha, rey/ben, the au extends to them in college
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-09-25 23:06:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 35,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9850868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Rey has always been a sick kid. But one day she gets enough strength to go outside and meet Ben Solo...





	1. p r o l o g u e

Rey had always been a sick child, her immune system weaker than the rest, it caused her to stay in her bed most days. But today was different. The day was beautiful and she actually felt energized. It took her a few minutes of staring outside at the kids that were playing in the field before she noticed a small boy playing by himself off to the side of everything and got the courage go get dressed herself. She ran downstairs with the blue ball she played with when she had the strength.

  
"Woah slow down there," Her grandfather stopped her as she careened down the stairs.

 

"Where are you headed off to?"   
  
"I want to play," Rey said simply. "I saw a boy that looked lonely. I thought maybe I should play with him." Her grandfather nodded and turned to let her the rest of the way down the stairs, a small smile on his face.    
  
"Good," he said, "Come back as soon as your tired though, I don't want you getting hurt."   
  
"Yeah, yeah Grandpa." The eight year old dismissed him jokingly. "I will,"

 

She ventured out for the first time in a while, bouncing her blue ball on the paved path towards the field. Kids were playing with footballs and a few weird looking teenagers sat off to the side a few yards away, but Rey sat down next to the silent boy with the curly hair. He eyed her for a minute as she stared at him expectantly. He didn't say anything. 

"My name's Rey," the small girl said. The boy was silent, and for a minute Rey wasn't sure if he knew how to talk. 

 

“Ben,” was all he said. She nodded. Then saw the cars he was playing with and set her ball down. 

 

“Can I play?”

 

Silence.

 

“ _ PLEASE?” _

 

“Yes, just don't shout like that.” she nodded and picked up a car, starting to make engine sounds and race him. “No. Engines don't sound like that.” He said. 

 

“ _ Vroom? _ ”

 

“Better,” the both of them were mostly contained to themselves, but that was okay. They played past most of the other children's attention span. Still outside. “So… Rey… where do you live?” The kid asked. She pointed to the house at the end of the cul de saq. He seemed confused. “Really? I live right down there, three houses down. I've never seen you. Are you new?”

 

"I'm not new around here. I just... don't go out a lot. Last year I was really sick and could barely walk most days. And I've always been weak physically so I can't play sports like the other kids."

  
"Oh--" Ben said. That explained a lot. It explained why she only weighed 80 pounds soaking wet and why she seemed so shy, even to him. "Well that's fine with me. I don't like sports that much anyway.”

 

“What do you like?”

 

“Cars… reading… exploring…” he said sheepishly. 

 

“What about you?”

 

“I like drawing!” She exclaimed with a sudden vigor. It was beginning to get a little darker but neither of the kids noticed until a woman called out,

 

“Ben!” 

 

He sighed. “That's my mom,” 

 

“Oh…”

 

“Since we live right next to each other you can walk with me,” She helped gather his cars, feeling the time passing ware down on her body. She didn't make a mention of it to the boy she had just met…  _ Ben. “ _ \--So, do you just like drawing?” 

 

Rey was silent for a minute, caught her breath, and then answered, “Actually I like a lot of things. I love reading and playing pretend and fairytales and I've always wanted to walk through the woods and--” She felt dizzy for a second and went silent, focusing on her breathing, “sorry… I talk too much… got to slow down,”

 

“It's okay,” They were almost at his house. She felt as if she were ruining her chances at making a friend. “Take your time, here.” Ben took his cars from her and then said, “So you've never been in the woods have you?” Rey shook her head no. He almost looked as if he pitied her. 

 

“Ben?” The woman called. “Who's this?” 

 

“No one, mom.” His tone was quite rude, but Rey didn't question it. “Listen I have to go. She probably ordered pizza or something,”

 

The girl nodded, “Sorry if I was a bother,”

 

“What?! No! Thank you… for playing with me.” The kid said. He knew this would plant a ginormous smile on her face. Which it did, it was radiant, and Ben nearly smiled in return. “Bye, Rey.”

 

“Bye, Ben.”

 

"See you around,"


	2. a  n e w  b l u e  d a y

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drawings lined the walls and paint flecked some of her furniture. This was her room. Here she was safe and couldn't get sick. She wanted to go out. To see Ben again, but she wasn't so sure he wanted a friend.

Rey had gone into the house to smell macaroni and cheese, her favorite dish. "You're in a lot later than I thought you'd be," Her grandfather said. (Ben Kenobi had been taking care of her for as long as she remembered, he acted as if he were her parent. And in a way, he was.) She made her way to the dinner table, her three buns bouncing up and down as she walked. "Did you have fun?"

"Yes," she said. "Can I have orange juice?" She had started to feel dizzy until he'd set the juice in front of her, along with a small plate of macaroni and some pills.

"I don't want those," she said, looking at the medicine in disgust. The old man gave her a look that said,  _You know you're not going to win this argument._ With one small hand, she grabbed all three pills and put them in her mouth, tipping back the orange juice next and nearly emptying half of the cup, hiccuping after all of them went down. 

"I have some cupcakes... If you're still hungry after you eat." He was fixing his own bowl, and then sat on the opposite side of her. Watching her eat. Making sure she wasn't picking at her food. "So... Did you make any friends while you were out?" Rey nodded while she was stuffing her face with macaroni, quickly filling herself up. "Really? Who?"

"Boy... Across... Sftreet.... Ben..." 

"Without chewing?"

She swallowed, "There's a boy who lives across the street. Ben. He had nice cars." She saw some recognition on his face but he didn't say anything about the boy, just continued eating. Rey became tired very quickly after she ate, and ended up falling asleep on the couch and her grandfather took her to her room, tucking her in with eight different stuff animals, some that he had made himself.

 

“Good night, little one.”

* * *

 

 

The next day, Rey woke up still feeling tired, her head hurt and so did her shoulders. She still wanted to get up and go out, but there was a slight drizzle outside and she wasn’t so sure that the boy would want to play with her in the first place. So she kept to her bed, sniffling. At one point her grandfather knocked on the door to see if she was awake, only for her to pretend she was asleep.

 

When he left, she got up and turned on her lamp light, grabbing her sketchbook and some colored pencils, then pulled up her blanket to cover her legs. Her walls were lined with pictures of forests and fairies that she had seen in books. It was quiet in her room, the air was cool and around her drawings she didn’t really focus on how tired she was. Or the fact that the likeliness of making a friend out of the boy who lived across the street was really slim. She had started absent mindedly drawing a lake when she had heard a tap on her window. Looking up, she saw Ben tapping on the window, leaning precariously on the branch outside of her room. Quickly, Rey ran over to her window and pulled it up, backing up so the boy could clamber through.

 

“What are you doing?” She stared at him in disbelief, his hair was partially wet and he was still in his  pajamas.

 

“I got bored,” Ben said. “My mom wanted me to clean my room,”

 

“Why didn’t you come through the front door?”

 

“Your grandpa said that you were asleep.”

 

“So you just decided to climb that tree… after he told you that I was asleep. What if I was actually asleep?” She asked.

 

“I would’ve gone back down and cleaned my room.” Ben shrugged. “Not that complicated,” It was the first time she’d had anyone else besides her own grandfather in her room, and she couldn’t help but feel a bit nervous. He took a special interest in the art that lined her walls. “Did you draw all this?”

 

“Yeah,” She said sheepishly.

 

He pointed to a picture of a girl sitting on a log bridge over a brook, “I like that, it’s pretty.”

 

“Thanks,” she said. For a minute, she paused, wondering what to say next. “So… what do you want to do?”

 

“I don't know,” he admitted. “Do you have any toys?”

 

She nodded and headed over to her closet. Struggling with a big box of building blocks, dolls, and cars. Ben instantly got the cue that she was struggling and pulled right along side her. They freed the box and Ben pulled the lid back as Rey caught her breath. “Are you okay?”

"Yeah," she waved him off. "Come on, let's play."

* * *

 

 Ben knew there was something wrong with her, something that she wasn't telling him, so he picked up the building blocks, the least exerting out of everything they could play. Rey eagerly began to build with him. Her ideas were imaginative, if anything, but hard for her to actually lay out. Her hands shook and so Ben ended up abandoning his own project to help her with her own, which was admittedly better than the small fort he was making. He didn't mind, especially because before she asserted herself, he didn't have anyone resembling a friend. 

They ended up making a castle, and when Ben's pajamas were dry, the both of wrapped themselves in one of Rey's blankets as she showed him one of her favorite books. 

She kept talking about the woods, and wanting to go there. He made a note to himself to take her there one day. 

_Yes, he would do that._

* * *

They had been playing for what only seemed like an hour when Rey's door opened and her grandfather and Ben's mom stood at the door. 

"I would be mad," the woman said, "but you're lucky that her grandfather explained the situation," Rey wasn't sure what she meant about, the situation, unless she meant Rey's ailments. She looked to Rey. "I'm Leia. Ben's mother."

"Hi," she said. "Can Ben stay a little longer?" 

"I'm sorry but Ben has to clean his room. He knows that."

"Well can I come back?" Leia looked tired, but nodded and he stood. "Sorry, Rey."

"It's okay," she smiled at him. "I'll see you around." He actually smiled back, and she was glad to see it. Once he was gone she felt tired again and her grandpa sat on the bed next to her. 

"Pretending to be asleep, huh?"

"I'm sorry,"

"It's okay, kid. I'm not mad. I'm mostly delighted you've made a friend." He said. "But you're going to have to clean all this up, I'll help." They silently picked everything up and placed it back in the box full of toys. He picked up the latest drawing, only half finished, but clearly of sunlight hitting a lake in the middle of a forest. "This is really good," he always said that. Rey found that most adults over exaggerated their kid's talent to make the kid feel better, so she never really believed him when he said this. She yawned and then said,

"Thank you," 

They finished and she yawned. It was only ten in the morning but she felt tired again, getting in her bed. "Do you want breakfast?"

"Not really,"

"Too bad," he rubbed her back and she felt her eyes beginning to close. "I'll go make you some eggs. You can have it up here if you want." Despite herself, she was starting to feel a little bit nauseous. 

"Can I have some water too?" She asked. 

"Of course,"

* * *

Rey had tried her best to stay up long enough for Ben to come back, but she felt sick and ended up falling asleep. Hugging one of her favorite stuffed robots, that she named BB-8. The lights were dimmed and the fan was running, blowing cool air on her as she slept.

Maybe, just maybe, she'd feel better tomorrow. And then they could actually play.

 


	3. t h e f a i r y r i n g

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had never been to the woods. Some time he would take her.

"Dear Rey,    
  
I think you're nice.- Ben"   
  
Ben crumpled the note and threw it into his bin, his room was clean, but something told him that Rey wouldn't be up for him coming over again.     
  
The next day, Rey was out in the field, and Ben ran out excitedly. "I've never seen him so excited in his life," Han said when he saw him dash outside. When Leia pointed to the girl playing across from their house in the empty field lot, he chuckled."Oh. Now I know why."

* * *

  
  
Rey was shocked when Ben came running out into the field with two bottles of water and a small backpack on his back. Even more shocked when he grabbed her hand, it was soft, and she pulled herself up.    
  
"Where are we going?" She asked.   
  
"To the park," he said. "The field is lame. There's trails in the park. I think you would like it there."   
  
"Okay well can you stop running?" They were out of the sight of both Ben's house and her own. Their hands were still interlocked and he slowed down. He gestured for her to take a water bottle and she did, still holding onto his hand as she uncapped the water bottle and took a sip from it. They crossed the street, and walked up a trail. Further than Rey had ever even Ben with out Obi Wan.   
  
Despite the sudden physical exertion, Rey's breathing was even and she didn't feel tired. She kept sipping at the water bottle. "Better?" He asked.   
  
"A lot." She replied. "Thanks, so what are we gonna do at the park?"   
  
"Look for a fairy ring," He remembered seeing a fairy ring in a lot of her drawings. Maybe it was a self conscious thing but he thought it might have some form of significance to her.    
  
"Do they really exist?" She asked.   
  
"Of course, I've seen them before."    
  
"Really?"   
  
"Yeah," the two of them were at the park and she marveled at the pink and blue flowers that Ben has often taken for granted. She picked two, putting one in her hair before getting up on her tippy toes to stick a flower in his. "You look very handsome, and pretty."   
  
"Thanks," he laughed. "Now come on-- we gotta look for fairy rings. And it has to be before the sun goes down." She nods, her hazel eyes widening even bigger than Ben thought was possible. "Oh and will you do me a favor?"    
  
"Yeah,"   
  
"Tell me if you get tired or feel sick... So I don't accidentally push you too far." She nods, but perhaps its a bit obvious that she feels like a burden, because Ben took her water bottle, putting it in the cup holder on his backpack, and grabbed her hand. "Usually fairy rings are in places near the woods."   
  
"I don't know if I can go out there without my grandpa's permission," she says.    
  
"We won't be going in there," He told her. "We'll be right along the edge of the trees."   
  
"Promise?"   
  
"Cross my heart, hope to die."   
  
"Don't hope to die, that's bad Ben Solo."   
  
"It's an expression," he said. She giggled, understanding finally. They set to work exploring. The stretch of trees lasted for a while and Rey had become so intent on finding a fairy ring that she had walked some point ahead of Ben. He didn’t see her and that’s when a group of older kids decided to appear. 

* * *

 

A boy with red hair that must’ve been about one or two years older than Ben was the first to approach, “What’s a little runt like you doing out alone?” 

 

“What?” 

 

“I said, what’s a little runt like you doing out here all alone?” 

 

“I…” She realized that Ben was a little ways back, and didn’t see her. 

 

“This is my place, no kids allowed past twelve. At least, not without payment.” 

 

“I…” Was all she managed to say, her breathing was getting more rapid and her muscles began to clench up. All the sudden her ears popped, and she heard someone bounding towards her. “ _ Get away from her!”  _ Ben swung his backpack and hit the red headed boy in the back of the legs with it. He fell just long enough for Ben to grab her hand and start running. They hid behind a tree, both kids pressed up against the back of it. “Calm down,” He whispered. “We’ll go home when you calm down,” She nodded, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth. 

“Who was he?” 

 

“Just an asshole,” 

 

“What’s an asshole?” 

 

“Something I heard on TV, but I think it means idiot.” 

 

“Something tells me I shouldn’t say that word…” The both of them were distracted by what was in front of them. Tall grass almost hid it, but Rey caught it. The mushrooms that were aligned in a perfect circle. “It’s a fairy ring!” She said. “They do exist! Ben look!” 

 

“I guess it was good that he did chase us,” He whispered. 

Rey beamed and parted the grass a bit to see better, but she didn’t step in it.”Wow,” This was worth it. She took a picture in her mind, remembering every color, every way the grass arranged itself, how all the branches created patterns in the sunlight. “Thank you… for bringing me out… I think my grandpa would be worrying about me now. I should be going back.” 

 

“Yeah, yeah… of course.” He grabbed her hand again but this time he didn’t run. She looked tired, clutching her bottle to her chest. “You had fun, didn’t you?” 

 

“Yes, this is the most happy I’ve been in awhile.” 

 

They were silent for a minute, and then Ben asked, “Rey… if you don’t mind me asking… um… why are you--?” 

 

“Sick all the time?” 

 

“Yeah, um… you don’t have to tell me.” 

 

“Well, I have a really weak immune system.” She said, “Among other things, but sometimes it’s kind of confusing to understand and explain…” 

 

“Oh, I’m sorry if--”

 

“It’s okay,” She perked up a little as they ended up on their street. Both her grandpa and Leia were waiting out on the end of the cul de saq. “Uh oh,” Rey said. “I think I’m gonna get in trouble.” 

 

“Just tell them I dragged you along with me, you didn’t want to go but you did.” 

 

“But that’s almost like a lie,” 

 

“Well it’s also half the truth,” 

 

“But what if you get in trouble?” 

 

“I’ll be fine,” They met both adults at the end of the cul de saq. Though Obi Wan didn’t seem mad, he merely turned to Rey as she came in, picked her up, and shifted her to his back. She buried her face in his sweater. 

 

“Hey, Ben. We were just talking about how quickly the both of you became friends. I was asking if he’d be okay with Rey coming over some time,” 

 

“And I said it was okay, when she feels good. It seems like she's tired today. So we'll play it by ear.” Rey was already out like a light. Her hands loose around his neck. The both of them walked back up to her house and when they were out of earshot before his mother spoke,

 

“I love the fact you've made a new friend, but can you do me a favor? Ask her grandfather before you whisk that girl away anywhere without adult supervision.”

 

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I just… I wanted to make her happy.”

 

“I'm not mad kid. It's just that… Rey gets sick really easily. Especially when she's been physically exerted a lot.” He felt guilty. “Did she enjoy it, though?”

 

“Yeah…”

  
“Well then, I think that's what really matters.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://open.spotify.com/user/theressurected1/playlist/4LZk0tcCNVqP4nund8GfdN
> 
> If you want to listen to the music I do when I write the fic.


	4. l u n g s

Rey felt sick the next time she woke up, and the first thing she could do was run to the bathroom. She pulled her hair back and tried to throw up in the toilet, but nothing came up, a horrible sound came from her throat and her grandfather came running with pills. He was cursing under his breath. She heard the click clack of pill bottles and water right as she felt as if she was about to pass out. Her head hurt so bad she started crying. Her muscles relaxed, and she fell back.

* * *

 

 

Ben was woken up by the sound of sirens coming down the street, he ran to his window almost instantly, looking down the cul de saq instinctively. A sense of dread filling his stomach. Tears welled up in his eyes as he began to run downstairs, screaming, “Mom! Dad! She’s hurt! She’s hurt!”

Leia was the first to come out, and the first to recognize the red, white, and blue lights and her son running from the door. “No, no, no.” She ran towards him and locked her arms around his stomach. “You’re staying in here,”  

 

“But she’s--”

 

“I know, Ben. I know. We need to let the paramedics get to her first. I promise that we’ll go to the hospital. We’ll see how she’s doing,” She said. “I promise, okay?”

 

“What if she’s not fine? What if she fell and hurt herself? What if I stressed her out too much and she got really sick-- it’s all my fault-- mom it’s all my fault.” Han was the next to come to him, pulling him close his chest. Ben buried himself in his father’s shoulder, he calmed down, but only slightly.

  
“It’s not your fault,” Han told him. “It’s not your fault.”

* * *

 

 Rey woke up in the hospital, machines whirring, and an IV attached to her. The doctor was talking to her father, saying something about a reaction after a combination of food and medicine, she had a funny mask on-- she'd had it once before,  _breathe in, breathe out._

Her breathing was regulated, and she wanted to keep herself that way, before long she fell back asleep. 

When she woke up a second time she was told to eat, and a few minutes after that, Ben came walking through the door with a very tired looking Leia behind him. Her grandfather sat on the futon, also looking extremely exhausted. Ben was the only one who was wide awake, "What are you doing here?" She asked in alarm. It was embarassing to her-- him seeing her like this--

"I saw the ambulances. I was worried."

"So you came all this way?" He nodded. "Well you don't need to worry, silly. I'm fine. Besides--"

"I can worry all I want and you can't stop me," 

 _"Ben,"_ Leia warned.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, then he took a small plush fox from his mother's purse. "I... I bought this for you." Rey gasped as he got closer to the bed and set on her lap. 

"It's so cute! Thank you!" She squeezed it gratefully and the two of them began chatting like crazy. It was enough to make both adults in the room have to sit down, hearing them talk in lightning fast rounds.

  Eventually Rey started to get tired and Ben could see it, but he had one last question to ask. "Uh... Rey?" Both Leia and Obi Wan were passed out in chairs. 

"Yes, Ben?"

"Do you know why you had to be put in here?" She nodded and then yawned. 

"Apparently I ate something I wasn't supposed to with my medicine. It might've been citrus. I can't really remember though."

"Oh," it looked like that took something off his shoulders.

"Why--?"

Ben blushed. "I... Don't worry it's stupid," he said, "When are you coming home?"

"I don't know," she said truthfully. "Probably day after tomorrow. Or even late tomorrow. That's how this stuff always happens. And then I rest for a day and I'm usually okay after that."

"So this stuff happens alot,"

 "Yes. So like I said... Nothing to worry about,"

* * *

 

That didn't stop Ben from worrying. But like Rey said she was soon at home and Ben climbed through her window as soon as she got the chance. She was holding the fox he had given her in her arms and a book in the other. 

"Oh, hey."

"Is now a bad time?"

"No, I feel a bit dizzy so I can't read the words too well I was going to ask my grandpa but he's probably asleep. Could you read to me? I mean... If it's not too much trouble," He nodded and got in bed next to her, grabbing the book from her. 

"Beauty and the Beast, huh?"

"Yeah, it's one if my favorites. You don't have to read it if you don't want to--"

"No, no. Rey it's fine, just lay down and close your eyes. I'll read to you."

"Are you sure? I don't want to be a burden,"

" _Rey,"_

"Ben,"

"It's fine,"

"Well only if you say so," With that she laid back in the bed, and closed her eyes. Ben began to read. To his surprise, she was already reading the Grimm version of fairytales and not what Disney was churning out. Some of the stuff was hard for him to read correctly but she didn't seem to mind, soon she was asleep and Ben couldn't help but smile. 

He'd play with her another day, for now he was just glad she was okay.


	5. c o l o r

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Rey's birthday and Ben is intent on buying her a present, even though Rey told him not to.

It had been three weeks and Rey finally felt good enough to get dress herself and go downstairs. Her grandfather had revised her breakfast to have softer foods for her to ingest and the list of medicines she had to take was a bit longer, Rey made a face as he lined up the assortment of pills into a group chewables and swallowable pills.

“You have to take them, Rey.”

“I don’t like them,”

“I know but you have to take them if you’re going to be well enough to get a cake for your birthday,”

“What?” Rey cocked her head to the side. “What month is it grandpa?”

“It’s March sweetie,”

“March what?”

“Tenth,”

“My birthday is in three days and I completely forgot!” She turned a shade of red and then picked up the first swallowable pill, not even stopping to ask what exactly it was. He watched her take them all and then checked her tongue to make sure none of them were hidden under them. “Grandpa!”

“Hey, you know I’m just trying to take care of you properly. And we both know that you like to try and avoid taking them,” He raised an eyebrow and she stared down at her food. “I’m glad you’ve finally started to take your pills like you're supposed to though, that’s the sign of you growing up. Is there anything you want to do for such a momentous occasion?”

“Well,” She picked at her food, thinking. “I thought, maybe you and I could do something and then maybe Ben and I could do something?”

“Of course, just tell me where you want to go and we can do that tomorrow. I can get a little more cake for you and your friend on your birthday, would that sound nice?” Rey nodded, stuffed a little food in her mouth, thinking,

“Um… I want to go into town, and get some more art things. I used up my sketchbook and pencils. And I was thinking that maybe I could get some paints and an easel too?”

“Your wish is my command,” Rey giggled and her grandfather smiled. She had always felt that on some level, his happiness depended on her own. She always felt guilty about that in some ways. “Now come on, I got some dvds from the store and I think you’d like them,” She finished her food as quick as she could and hopped on her grandfather’s back as he carried her to the couch.

    “I can’t wait,”

* * *

 

    Leia had made the mistake of telling Ben that Rey’s birthday was in two days, and then proceeded to endure an hour of her child begging her to take him to the store. He wasn’t sure what exactly Rey wanted, so he used the twenty dollars he’d earned in allowance money and filled up the cart with an assortment of things. He brought her a book of fairytales, although he wasn’t too sure if she’d like it, considering she was well above his own reading level, a pack of disposable cameras, another plush animal, and finally, a necklace with a sun charm on it. “You think she’ll like these?”

    “Of course,” Leia said. “That kid likes anything you give her, because it’s from you.”

    “What do you mean?”

“Well, you can see that Rey doesn’t have friends. Her.... _condition_ prevents her from going out a lot and she gets tired easily, so she can’t be a normal kid most of the time. You gave her a little bit of what being a normal kid is like. So that must mean a lot to her.” Ben's eyes widened as he realized what his mother was saying.

  
“We have to get more things for her--” He ran back to the opposite side of the store. “Ben!”

* * *

 

“You really didn't have to get me that many things, Grandpa.” Their bags were nearly bursting with sketchbooks, oil pastels, paints, pencils, erasers, and charcoals. The basket that Obi Wan had a easel and several smocks in them. Rey felt kind of guilty, watching him buy her so many things.

  
“Nonsense. You should get the best things for your art,”

“Okay… If you say so. I just hope it didn't clean you out too bad. This stuff is expensive.” Tears started slipping down her face.

 

“Huh?! Rey, why are you crying?”

 

“Because I'm just really happy,”

 

“That seems like a silly reason to cry,”

 

“Says the grown man who cries every time we watch Finding Nemo,”

 

“Hey… watch it young lady. Finding Nemo has a great story arc and the emotional weight is beautiful.” Rey rolled her eyes but laughed as the two started to load the car.

  
“Oh grandpa, what am I going to do with you?” she shook her head in mock dismay. 

"Love you kid,"

"Love you too,"

* * *

 

Ben showed up at Rey's doorstep with a wheelbarrow full of presents, ringing Rey's doorbell in anticipation. Obi Wan was the one who opened the door. "Rey's coming down, forgive her she's still in her pajamas."

"That's fine," he said. 

He heard pitter pattering and knew Rey was running down the stairs. When she saw the pile of presents her eyes widened, and she started to cry. "BEN YOU BETTER NOT HAVE SPENT ALL YOUR ALLOWANCE MONEY ON ME!" Oops.

"What? What's wrong?"

"I'm not worth spending all this on,"

"Rey--"

"You can't give me these all at once, right now."

"What?"

"I'll feel guilty that you spent all your allowance on me in one day. You have to pick three and leave the other eight when I'm not paying attention," she demanded.

"Rey. I believe the proper thing to say is thank you."

"Thank you," Rey said somberly after her scolding, she opened her arms, and Ben hugged her. Surprised that her stance had changed so quickly until Rey had whispered, "Pick three and hide the others around the house or I'll start crying right here and now,"

"Why would you do that?"

"Because I would feel guilty if--" 

"But you've already seen them-"

"Then think of them as a game,"Ben groaned. It seemed weird, but Rey was the birthday girl. Ben let go of her. 

"I'll hide them later, all of them." She nodded and Ben brought in three presents telling Obi Wan that the rest were for later. Rey seemed a little silly today but he soon realized that it could be chalked up to her being stuck in the house so much. The three of them ate cake and Rey and Ben ran around rambunctiously until Rey got tired. 

Her grandpa suggested that Rey open her three presents from Ben and they would soon call it a night. 

She picked the fairy tale book first, and practically screamed when she unwrapped it. "It's so beautiful!" 

The next was the cameras to which she was even more enthuiastic, and finally the necklace. Rey put it on in amazement and looked at him, her eyes shining with tears. 

"You're too much Ben Solo," 

It meant so much to her. 

It always would. She hoped he knew that. 

 


	6. s n o w

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow doesn't always bring happiness and joy.

It had been a year and it was snowing outside. Obi Wan had told her that he had business to attend to with some of his investments but it would only take a little while and he called Leia to ask her if she would get Rey lunch and made sure she took all her medicines on time. Rey felt like it would be imposing and she didn't want Ben's mother seeing all the medicine she took in the first place, but she didn't exactly have any choice. "Remember, you can't go play outside no matter what." He told her as she lay in bed. "Remember what happened the last time it snowed?" Rey remembered. She got sick. Really sick. 

"Yeah, grandpa." She said. "Now can I go to sleep. Please?" 

"Yes, dear."

Rey couldn't sleep. She got up a few minutes after her grandfather had left and got dressed, and then walked downstairs, her head was pounding and she was starting to feel nauseous. She looked up at the clock to see what time it was. Not even close to time for her medicine yet. 

She went into the living room and turned on the TV, clutching a blanket close to her so that she could stay warm. Her nausea going down. 

For the first time in a while, she felt hungry in the morning. So she got up and opened the fridge, breathing in deeply to grab an orange, and then put it on the counter to get a cup. Rey stepped forward, reaching for a cup and stumbled backwards.

Grabbing the side of the counter before she could fall. Instinctively, she ran for the door, it was closer than the bathroom and she didn't want to have to make Leia clean up any of her mess.

She got a few feet before she fell in the snow and vomitted. Her body hurt and she couldn't feel her legs. 

Rey had to admit, she was scared. 

She was alone. 

Her throat was in fire. 

She managed to push herself away from the mess she'd made before she felt herself slipping away. 

* * *

 

 Ben had helped Leia pack some chicken noodle soup and snacks for Rey, looking forwards to seeing her. The last week had been very busy and they'd barely gotten the chance to talk, but now...

They put their coats on and started to walk down the snow covered streets. "You seem excited." Leia said. 

Ben nodded. 

"I'm glad," she said, "She's really seemed to help out a lot hasn't she?" In more ways than one. Yes she had. Ben had been a lot less social before her, and he used to cry at the drop of a hat. 

They were in her driveway in five minutes, Leia had been walking in front of Ben when she dropped the soup she had for Rey. The bowl shattered, and she ran forward. "Oh god,"

"Mom? What's--" he saw it when she moved.

Rey was face down in the snow, without a coat or anything, a puddle of vomit right next to her. Leia picked her up and ran towards the door. Tears welled up in Ben's eyes as he watched them.

"Ben come on, I need your help." Ben snapped out it and ran towards the both of them, opening the door.

The first thing he did was run for the landline, and dial 911 as his mother set Rey down on the floor of the living room, checking for a pulse. 

"What's your emergency?"

"My best friend passed out and I don't know how long she's been unconscious. She was in the snow."

"Address?"

* * *

 Rey was taken to the hospital and Obi Wam was called, but he didn't answer the phone. Ben didn't speak.

He couldn't.

The world had grown into a monotone grey scale when they waited for the ambulance to come. He couldn't hear or move. He just watched her laying there, barely breathing, watched his mother panic. 

Everything was grey. 

Eventually the ambulance came and whisked her away. 

He opened his mouth to try to say something but he couldn't. 

Breathe.

Breathe. 

 _She's going to die._ A voice in her head said. 

_No. Rey will be fine. She can't die. She's only ten. She's only ten. She's my friend and she can't die._

Breathe. 

Breathe.

He felt his mother hugging him, but couldn't hear his words. It was like he was at the bottom of the sea, and everything came out gurgled and dull. 

Nevertheless, he said, "I'm scared,"

* * *

 

When Rey woke up she couldn't move her body, she looked to her right to find an IV stuck in her. Her grandpa was talking with a doctor. She heard things like "it's a miracle she's lived this long," and "months," and shut her eyes again. 

She knew exactly what they meant.

But she wasn't ready. 

She wasn't ready. 

Not yet. 

There were things she still had to do.

* * *

 

Ben wanted to go see Rey but the image of her vulnerable body was engrained in his mind. 

Something in him told him it was his fault. 

All his fault. 

Even though it made no sense, he couldn't get that feeling of dread out of his stomach, that somehow he was the reason she was sick. 

 

* * *

 

She wasn't done. 

Her grandfather looked upset. "Hey grandpa," Rey's voice was raspy, and she coughed. 

"Hey, you need to rest." He was crying, trying not to obviously, but it wasn't working. She didn't ask. She already knew.

"I'm sorry for going out in the snow. I just didn't think I could make it to the bathroom." 

"It's okay," he rubbed his thumb over her small hand in circles. "It's okay,"

"Grandpa," her voice almost broke. "Can you stay with me tonight?" 

"Of course. My dvd player is out in the car if you'd like me to go get it. We can have a sleepover. Would you like that?"

She nodded. They were silent for a moment and then she asked, "Is Ben okay?" 

"Hmm? Oh... I don't know darling. I came right to the hospital and haven't had a chance to go home and check up on him." Rey knew he was lying, but she was too tired to keep talking. 

"Oh... Do you think he'll come over and visit me?"

"I'm sure darling. I'm going to go get that dvd player now okay?"

"Okay," 

He left the room and Rey stopped putting on her brave face. 

She cried.

It wasn't as hard and emotional as she wanted. 

But it was enough to help for today. 

 


	7. l o v e s s o r r o w

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wish I could recall what made me laugh at all..."

Leia was crying. Ben could hear her in the next room with Han. They were talking about her. About Rey. Five months.

Five months.

Ben pulled his covers over his head and shut his eyes.

It was a mistake meeting her.

Still, he couldn't regret it.

Even if he tried. 

* * *

 

Rey wasn't done. 

She wasn't going to die. Not yet at least. Her hands gripped the edge of the hospital bed as her grandfather and a nurse helped her get up. She pulled herself up and her feet hit the floor. 

"You can do this, you can do this." She wanted to go home. Rey wasn't going to spend another second here. She began walking and walking fast. People were telling her to slow down but she didn't. She kept going.

Feeling stronger. 

She wasn't going to die. 

She wasn't going to leave her grandpa. 

She wasn't going to leave Ben. 

Not when there was still stuff that she had to do. 

Two days and she was released. She was still tired and they required her to have a wheelchair just in case. 

But she was out. 

Her grandfather always smiled down at her, and most of the times, it was something happy. She was out and they were together. Rey went back to being lonely though.

Ben didn't come over and she equated that to the fact that she was still somewhat sick. He'd come over. 

He would one day-- wouldn't he? Eventually he started going over to the house right next to Rey's, and Rey would hear piano music drifting throughout the yard and to her window. 

She could see him too. 

He was learning to play, and it was beautiful each time he played.

The notes were perfectly timed and always delivered with some measure of perfection. Everyonce and a while he would catch him looking at her window while she was painting, and she wanted to ask him to come over every time.

But he would come in due time.

He would come. 

Months passed, and Rey defied her supposed death date again, although she didn't get much better. 

It was the soft and melodic notes of Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14 that would get her up, and sometimes even Mozart. 

She heard it and she kept painting. 

The focus of her pictures shifted to something else. Sunlight hitting a piano. Bookshelves and libraries. Empty and dark hospitals. 

 Rey was thirteen when the music stopped and the rooms in the other house darkened. It stayed that way for days, weeks even. She tried to ignore it. But something told her the music that he had given up on music on communicating with her. 

It wasn't fair. 

She wanted a friend. 

He was supposed to be her friend. She grabbed her paintbrush and sat down. Ready to paint again. This time it was red. The paint was a pure crimson that she had never painted with before.

She put her brush to the canvas one, two, three times when her hand seized and the brush fell. "What the--" Rey stood there, her hand still in position as if she was ready to paint. Her hand wouldn't move properly. "No..." 

* * *

He had a new apartment away from everything. 

Running away from it wasn't supposed to be the answer. 

Running away from her wasn't the answer, but in his old house he couldn't breathe.

He had to get away.

* * *

 

Rey was curled up in the corner of her room with her head in her hands and tears streaming down her face. She couldn't breathe. 

Of course her grandfather was there, and like always, he seemed to know what the problem was before Rey had the chance to speak.

He grabbed her and she grabbed the sides of his jacket. "Come on, we're going for a drive. Would you like that?" She let out a sob and then nodded as he picked her up and they started going downstairs. "Ssh... You're going to make yourself sick."

 They drove for hours and hours. 

She fell asleep and Obi Wan drove her home. For the next few days she didn't talk. She was in bed and she didn't want to get up and try to paint. 

Both she and her grandfather began getting tired and sick, another day she brought over a man named Luke Skywalker, telling her he was to be her care taker if anything bad ever happened. 

And the next he was gone.

He told her, "I love you, Rey. Get a good rest." 

She woke up in the morning without him there.

He was gone. 


	8. a j o u r n e y b e g i n s

“It’s a bright and beautiful day outside and I am getting up—“ Rey said to no one in particular. It was like this most days now, there was no one to talk to, except for Luke whenever he actually decided to speak with her. “I am getting up,”

Her feet hit the ground.

  
Rey felt enough energy to decide she could venture outside without Luke’s help today, she ran down the stairs, pressing two fingers on the frame of a picture of her grandfather before going the rest of the way.

  
She didn’t even thought about what she was doing until she was halfway to Leia Organa’s house.

  
Rey hadn’t been there in so long. 

She stopped, staring up at the large ivory house, her hands falling by her side. “Ben,” she whispered. “Damn this,” It was foolish and rude—coming unannounced like this—but she was strong enough. She would explain to Ben… And then apologize to his mother for not announcing her coming over.

  
One step forward.

  
Two steps forward.

  
The door opened. “Rey?” Leia was standing in the door, and the inside of her house smelled like homemade cookies? “Is that you?”

  
Rey nodded and the woman grinned, it was something beautiful that hadn’t been shown in awhile. “Come in. Come in. It’s a delight to see you doing so well.”

Despite Rey and Ben’s friendship, she had never actually been inside his house, stepping across the threshold was almost like entering a new world. There were still family pictures and sentimentals and no easels covered up with old bed sheets or overabundance of medicine bottles. “I haven’t seen you in forever child, how come you’ve never come over to visit?”

  
“I’ve been sick,” she said simply. And whenever Leia looked as if she was about to apologize Rey said, “No don’t it’s fine, I’m honestly—it’s fine and I’m better now.”

“I’ve been baking a bit…” she said. “This kid works on my yard free of charge and I have to feed the him and his friend or I wouldn’t consider myself a good person.” Rey wanted to ask about Ben, but she was still trying to process the fact that Leia had let her in the house in the first place.

 A boy with big brown eyes was sitting on the couch. He had a deer in headlights look about him when he looked at Rey, despite the fact she was the least threatening person that could walk through the doorway. “Rey… that’s Finn.”

  
He waved awkwardly. “Hey,” she said.

  
“Looks like you two have something in common,”

  
“Huh?”

  
“You’re both extremely bad at introducing yourselves.”

“Hey—I—“

  
“Honey, you have an excuse.” Leia patted her shoulder and guided her to the couch. “He doesn’t,” she sighed and sat down. “POE!”

  
“What?”

  
“Are you done with the trimming?”

  
“Yes, Miss Organa.”

  
Miss—Rey thought that Leia was married— maybe not. “So…” she turned to Finn as Leia yelled at a boy outdoors, she looked for something to talk about. she turned to Finn as Leia yelled at a boy outdoors, she looked for something to talk about. He was wearing a football jersey. “Do you like football?”

  
“Huh—yeah… You?”

  
“I don’t really watch sports a lot. I stopped watching TV awhile ago—and I don’t go many places so I’ve never really seen a football game before… not in real life.”

  
“Oh…” 

He smiled nervously as Poe came into the room, sitting on the couch directly between the two of them. “Who’re you?”

“Rey,” She blinked. He was a few years older and Rey could tell immediately what the air between him and Finn was. “And you?”

  
“Poe. Are you a friend of Miss Organa’s?”

"Yes,"

  
“I help Miss Organa around the house since her jackass son and husband left.” Rey was about to open her mouth and say something. Ben wouldn't leave... But then again. 

"Do you know why?"

"No. Nor do I care."

* * *

 

School was coming to a start again and Ben knew that the first thing he was going to be asked was to join a sports team, despite the not working with a team well. He had already ignored three texts from Armitage Hux and Phasma, the biggest recruiters at the high school. A new text from his mother.

_She's alive and well. She wants to see you. Even if you won't talk to me please just come talk to her._

He didn't text her back. He couldn't. 

* * *

 "Oh... Well..." Rey looked for a way to further the conversation but couldn't find one. Luckily Finn interjected and asked,

"So... What grade are you in?"

"Actually I don't go to school," Rey said. 

"Really?"

"Yeah. I haven't been in awhile because I've been sick. But I've taken all the necessary tests to pass to eleventh grade." This was true. She'd passed all three tests within a year, even though she should technically be in tenth grade by high school standards. 

"You don't look sick." Finn jabbed Poe's side. 

"No, that's actually a compliment." Rey said. "Considering most days I'm quite the opposite. But enough about me, tell me about the school you guys go to." Just then, Leia walked in with a plate of cookies. 

"Eat up, fuckers, and Rey."

"Why do we get fuckers but you call her by her name?"

"Because I've known her longer," If she had been telling the truth, it would have been because she knew her son, but neither of the boys on her couch seemed to be big fans of him, so it was good that she didn't mention him. Rey grabbed a cookie from the plate before anyone else.

 "These are delicious,"

* * *

Finn and Poe left shortly after they'd gotten their fill to eat, but Rey was told by Leia to stay behind. The both of them shared a long and silent pause as they walked together down a hallway. A Steinway and Sons piano sat untouched in one room that was filled with different sheet music. There were pictures of Ben all down this hallway. 

Him through the years. 

"You have questions, ask them."

"Where's Ben?"

"He and his father had a fight about three years ago. Ben stopped playing the piano, started talking about getting emancipated. I let him go."

"Why didn't he come back--? To talk to me at least once."

She was silent. 

"I want to know,"

"There's no excuse in my mind for that. I assume he's the reason you came over here in the first place."

Him and his music. 

Was she the reason it started? If so, could she make his music come back again?

"I'm lonely," Rey admitted. "You know that Uncle Luke has been caring for me since Obi Wan's passing. He's not much for words nowadays..."

"Luke never is," Leia opened a door to Ben's old bedroom. It was too clean. Too neat for a stereotypical teenage boy. "Ben left his room like this all the time. He wrote you a note. Never sent it. It was after we all thought..."

"That I was going to die?"

Leia was so kind. 

But sometimes, she needed to cut the shit. Maybe it was motherhood or old age. 

She put the note in Rey's hand, along with a paper that had his address and high school on them. 

_Dear Rey,_

_This may be the hundredth time I've written this letter but I need it to be perfect for you._

_The truth is I'm scared. And I know that is not the right reason at all, to ignore you like I have been doing, but I'm scared that me meeting you didn't do any good._

_I'm scared that it's somehow my fault that you've been sick for two years now._

_So please find a way to move on from me. I can't do this. I'm a coward. You deserve better friends than me._

_\- Ben._

 

"He never sent this,"

 

"No." Leia's eyes met the ground and she started walking back towards the living room. "I'll pack cookies for you."

"Thanks,"

"And Rey?"

"Yes?"

"If you make any plans to talk to him... Ask him to call me. Please?"

Of course she would. "Yes, Miss Organa." That was a promise she couldn't break.


	9. l e m o n e y e s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something bittersweet.

It had been a little too long since Rey had been in a car with someone. (After her grandfather, Luke had sold his car, and offered to take her on rides, but she would always refuse. It was never the same thing. She hated to think it, considering how he took care of her, but Luke would always be a replacement, and nothing more.) Yet Finn had honked at her window and gotten her to come downstairs, she was still in a tank top and shorts, her hair up in three buns. “You look hot,” The boy joked.

 

“You didn’t give me time, asshat.”

 

“That’s okay, I was going to ask if you wanted to go the park and then maybe… get some coffee or something?”

 

“Are you a bad driver?”

 

“I’m not a speed demon,”

  
“That doesn’t reassure me," Still she got in the car, and Finn laughed. 

"Oh, don't worry peanut." Rey raised an eyebrow, but cracked a smile. 

"I won't worry when you actually start driving."

"Fair enough,"

* * *

 

 

They had picked up coffee first before going to the park. It had changed significantly since Rey had last been there, but then again she should've expected that. Time didn't stop for her. The trees had been thinned out and park benches and tables had been installed.

There were no more flowers. No more fairy rings. "Ben's at the park sometimes," Finn admitted as she sipped at her coffee. 

"Is this why you brought me here?"

"No. That's me warning you."

As if on cue...

"Rey!"

  
"Ben!" She almost didn't recognize him, but he recognized her. The boy had skyrocketed from the short crybaby he had been to something different. Rey could still pick out those large brown eyes from a distance. She clung to Finn's arm.

  
"That's him?" She hissed at him.

  
"A lot has changed," Finn said. "Don't let looks fool you, he's an ass. Albeit a goodlooking ass."

  
"Come here!" Ben shouted. He paid Finn no attention. The boy prodded Rey in his direction and she became very aware of the real reason Finn had brought her here. He'd disappeared in another minute. Ben was walking towards her now, she decided to close the distance between the two of them. There was a fluttering in her heart and she felt a bit nauseous. This was what she was waiting for but something told her that she wasn't ready for it. 

"Hey," Was all she could manage to say. 

"Hey," He was staring. 

Also at a loss for words. 

Rey didn't know what to feel in this moment, or what to say, they were finally together and all of the hypothetical planning she'd done in her head had been thrown out the door. "It's been a long time," she broke the ice between them, but only a little. 

"Yeah... Um ... It has. Wow. A really long time. Sorry about that. "

"Oh it's not your fault," she immediately jumped on this, trying to push away the painful and lonely memories of the past few years. "I'm sure you had a lot of stuff going on."

"Still-"

"Ben. It's fine,"

"So... How have things been at the Kenobi household?"

He didn't know. "Good. Really good. It's been hard, you know... Being sick and everything. But it's been good."

"Your old man doin' okay?"

He didn't know. She didn't want to tell him. "Oh yeah. He's fine. Enough about me. Tell me about what's been going on with you," They started walking under the magnolia trees together. Ben eyeing Rey with curiosity and caution. "I heard you started playing piano,"

"Yeah," he sighed. "I did,"

"I heard some of your playing, it was... Beautiful."

He didn't say anything and Rey couldn't help but wonder if he'd quit. 

She had an excuse. 

He didn't. 

"Look... I got some stuff I have to do... Maybe we could talk later?" She knew that excuse was bullshit. 

 He started to walk the other way as she stayed underneath the magnolias, "Okay... I guess."

* * *

The magnolias were beautiful at this part of the year. 

It was too bad they never lasted long. 

* * *

 

Finn had joined up with Rey a few minutes later, to find that she'd dropped her coffee. She stood underneath the magnolias, her expression blank and her buns loose, wisps of hair waving in the wind.

 "He just... Left..." There was something very off about it all. She seemed deep in thought, her mind could've been a million planets away by now. Finn hooked his arm in hers as she swayed. 

"I know the guy's important to you, Rey, but you needed to see that. The guy's an asshole. I'm surprised you didn't think that after all that time he didn't talk to you." Rey shook her head as her grip tightened around Finn's arm. 

"I made a promise to Leia."

"I think she'd understand if you couldn't keep it."

"Something's going on. But for now... Can you take me home? Netflix and some tea sounds really good right about now."

"Okay. Yeah. Home it is."

He drove her home and she unlocked her door. Waiting on the threshold as Finn hung back. "Are you coming?"

"Oh... Are you sure?"

"Finn?"

"Yes,"

"I need a friend. I think you'll do quite nicely," Finn felt a smile creep up on him. 

"Really?"

She nodded and gestured into the house. This time he came with her. "Thank you."


	10. n o t s o f a s t

Ben hadn't been paying attention when he was hit in the back of the head with a hand grip. He heard panting and shoes padding softly against the concrete. "Wait!" Ben stopped, picking up the hand grip. It hadn't hit him that hard, but as he saw where Rey had been when she threw it, he had to admit he was impressed. Once she had caught up to him.

"Are you stalking me now?"

They were right near the school that he went to. Cars passed by and students watched the two of them as they blocked up the walkway. "I've been shouting at you for five minutes."

"Shout louder,"

"If I shout louder I'll lose my voice." The two of them moved slightly out of the way as Ben took her in more. He should be more excited to see her. Happy, even. After all, she was the only friend he had ever had. Something about her being here just made him easy. "That's besides the point though," she stumbled a little and he righted her with a gentle grip on her shoulder. Once he realized he was touching her he quickly let go of her, blushing. Rey regained her breath and took the hand grip from him. "I wanted to tell you something,"

"And what's that?"

"I'm going to school with you now!"

* * *

 

 Rey expected a big reaction, but of course, he gave none. "Oh... Wow..." Something about this seemed panicked. Like he was trying to avoid her and failing miserably. 

"I thought you'd be more excited." She pouted. 

"It's not that it's just..." He was clearly trying to find an excuse to get him out of the conversation. "Where's your backpack?"

"In a friend's car. I got out to run after you a few blocks back. He'll bring it later."

"He?"

"Something wrong with that?" She quirked a smile at the tall boy and he blushed again. 

"N-No... No it's just great that you have new friends already. I'm happy for you."

Rey rolled her eyes. The boy was helpless. Trying to keep conversation as shallow as possible to deflect the real things. "Anyways...  I only take afternoon classes. I told the school about my... Health and they were more than happy to format my schedule the way I needed it. Especially since I already have enough credits from home school to graduate."

"Then what are you even doing going to school?" 

"I've never been to school before." She told him. "Not ever since Pre-K. And besides it's not like I'm going to be overworking myself." The bell rang and they both started heading towards the school. "Besides... I wanted to see you. We haven't talked in forever. Is that selfish?" Ben's eyes widened as he watched stare uncomfortably at the ground. 

"No. No it's not. I don't know why you'd go through all that trouble."

"Because your my friend, silly." She was gripping the hand grip tightly, leaving Ben wandering why she had it in the first place. They had reached an awkward pause when Finn conviently ran up behind Rey. 

"Boo!"

"Aah!" Ben stepped back and watched Rey giggle as Finn handed her her backpack. 

"Here you go, peanut."

"Thanks," She smiled at Finn, and then turned back to where Ben had been. But now he was gone. "Oh," Rey bit in a shred of annoyance as she looked at the doors. Poe came strolling along next. 

'"You two ever gonna go inside,"

Rey seemed frozen to her spot. 

"Come on, I'll show you around." Finn pushed her lightly towards the entrance and took her in. "Just forget about him. You're friends with us now,"

* * *

Ben remembered it like it was yesterday. He had picked up the piano and felt almost whole without playing it. They called him the Human Metronome when he played at Competition, always getting everything exactly on time and playing every piece like it was intended to be played.

He was so young. He played to forget Rey.

And then it snowed again.  It was his day to go on and it would've been like any other except it wasn't. Flakes hit the ground and Ben had panicked right as he was on that piano bench again. 

Everything seemed muted. 

Like he was at the bottom of the ocean when he played. 

And then... 

He stopped. 

It was supposed to be liberating. It was supposed to be right. But now Rey was back. Rey was back and that scared him. 

_God he was a coward. She looked so disappointed each time she talked to him._

"Ben," Hux appeared next to him as he walked down the hallway. "We have things to discuss."

"Go away, Hux." Armitage Hux had been bugging Ben Solo for years about joining a sports team for years, after realizing how athletically inclined he was when he'd been forced to take gym. 

"But..."

"Not today,"

* * *

 

Rey was amazed by the size of the school. Luckily all her classes were on the first floor and close enough to a bathroom that she wouldn't need to run or panic. 

Still, she made a mental note, stay close to Finn, Rey felt as if she might get lost. 


	11. p a s s i n g t i m e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday (yesterday) hothmess

Ben hadn't seen Rey for the rest of the day, and that had been fine with him. He'd had enough to deal with, teachers nagging him, and of course, trying to get to the music hall without being seen. The people who played in the band that Coruscant had to offer were always off key. The piano had seemed to be abandoned though, and he had a habit of going back there, if not to play it, then just to look at it. "You're really hard to find," She was always here. She looked happy. That was good.

"Hey,"

"Hey," She smiled back, more shyly than before. Ben could see that she was approaching him differently, trying to find out for the love of god why he wouldn't talk to her. And he supposed he shouldn't blame her. She just didn't know when to stop. "How was school?"

"It's a lot..." She said. "But I love it. I suppose that's only because I have three classes though, and not eight like everyone else." Ben nodded, that had to be exactly why. "So... heading down the music hall. Are you going to play something?"

"No," He told her. "My car is just closer this way,"

"Oh," She seemed slightly disappointed. Again. "Well have you been playing recently?"

"No,"

"Why not?"

"You ask a lot of questions," He kept his eyes off her and headed for the door. She ran to catch up to him.

"But your playing is lovely, I've heard it before, and I know that you loved it. Did you stop?" Any normal person would've taken his standoffish nature as a cue to leave him alone. It would've been easier if she'd just leave him alone. He turned on his heels and she almost ran into him.

"Yes, I did stop. Now leave me alone. Go be with your other friends and just stop bothering me okay?" He hadn't meant to yell, all the same he did. It was silent between the two of them at first, Rey's lip was trembling, and she looked away from him, over to the doors and then back again. "Rey, I-" He felt a sense of dread in the pit of his stomach. She bit her lip. "I didn't..."

"You don't have to be so infuriatingly rude," She hissed, taking a step away from him. "I just wanted to see you. But I guess you're too wrapped up in yourself to recognize that."

"Rey, wait." He grabbed her wrist. She tried to pull free but her grip wasn't strong enough. 

"You're hurting me." She hissed. He let go. 

"I'm sorry." 

"Yeah. Sure. Listen if you didn't want me around you should've said so sooner. I'll just leave and tell the school that I don't want to go here after all."  _Could she even do that?_ Ben wasn't sure. She looked as if she was about to cry.

"I... I still want you around. Just please don't cry, I was a jackass to you and I'm sorry for that but please don't cry." She nodded, took in a gulp of air, and then sighed. 

"Okay," She said. 

"Okay," 

 

* * *

Rey didn't expect an immediate change in his behavior, the anger in her chest was near boiling when he'd managed to stop it. "Okay," She said once more. Maybe she could dissect what happened with him, maybe, hopefully. They started walking back to Ben's car and then they stopped. 

"Need a ride?" 

"Do you mind?" She felt exhausted, although she wouldn't admit it to him. Ben nodded and opened the door for her before going over the driver seat himself, he didn't turn on any radio, so the icy silence that had infected the two of them stayed that way. Rey gripped the hand grip she had a little tighter. Her hands were getting a bit stronger, she could feel it. If only they could hurry along. "I believe I've asked you a couple of times... but what's been going on the last few years." 

"Not a lot," Ben said, "I mean... I know you hoped for a better explanation but that's the honest truth." It wasn't exactly. Rey knew that. Otherwise he'd still be living with Leia and he'd be playing piano and everything would be okay. "What about you?" 

"Not much," Rey lied. A lot had happened. At least, in her perspective. She was healthy enough to go to school but she couldn't do the thing she cared about the most. She couldn't paint. It seemed that she wasn't the only one who'd lost the ability to what they loved though. But Ben hadn't lost a parent-- so why for heavensake was he acting like he was?

 

Maybe she would never know. 

 

She didn't want to judge him for it. 

 

Obi Wan died. That was what happened. 

Obi Wan died and you didn't even care to talk to me once in years. Ben's car was about to turn on his street. He seemed to pay no attention to his mother's house at all and Rey bit her tongue. It wasn't the time to ask about that. "Will you come in?" She asked. 

Ben raised an eyebrow. "Would your old man be okay with that?" 

"He's out talking with investors," She lied. "He'll be out for the next few days, but even if he was here I'm sure he'd be fine with it. You don't have to be obligated to though." He waved her off and they parked. The skies were a dark grey and seemed rather gloomy, it was probably good that he come in. If there was rain, Rey didn't want him driving in it. 

"Okay," He parked and got out of the car with her. Eyeing her hands, and the grip she had with her. He said nothing about it but still she waited for him to ask. Maybe he just didn't care. Who knew? Ben was impossible to decipher and it was giving her a headache even trying to. "Just set your stuff over there," She said. "I have snacks. Do you want some chocolate or something?" 

 

"Just water," 

"Oh well you can get that yourself. I'm starving," Ben laughed and she smiled. It was a sight that Rey hadn't seen in a long time, and she could feel some warmth starting to come back to her body. She felt stronger. Maybe him being here was helping again. 

 _Maybe I can help him._ She thought.  _Yes. I can help him._


	12. r a i n

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it should be peaceful

It started pouring slightly after Ben had come in the house, and Ben found it fitting that this would've happened. The inside of Rey's house seemed a lot lonlier than he remembered it. Even if she'd said that Obi Wan was just gone on a business break, it felt like she was the only one who had been there for a while. He couldn't take his eyes off the covered up paintings that were scattered across the two story house. 

"Ben!" Rey called from the living room.

"Yes?" 

"I didn't invite you in my house to not talk to me." That's right. Ben had to remember that social cues existed. He walked down the stairs and sat in the living room next to her. She was curled up on the couch with a blanket and a glass of water. Ben smiled when he noticed the stuffed toy he'd gotten her so long ago under her arms. "You look cozy."

"I'm cold," she said. 

"Well..." Ben looked to the fireplace. "Got any fire logs?"

She nodded. "Pantry." He got up again and headed for the kitchen. The boy usually carried a lighter with him, if not to smoke, then to let someone else borrow it. One of the fire starter logs that lasted three hours rested on the floor. 

"Just one," he said. 

"I guess we're lucky then," Rey sniffed. "Come over here. Put it on." He did as she asked and watched the wrapper on the log begin to burn before heading back to the couch. "Thanks," she said. "Should be warmer in a second," Ben was still silent. Staring at her up and down before he asked,

"Tell me what's really been going on lately." 

"What? I've told you-"

"You haven't been painting have you." The fire crackled and filled the silence between them. "Have you?" She looked away from him. Her lip trembling. "Rey, you should've told me this. Creating... Creating and drawing and painting... That's one of the best things this world has to offer... Not creating is... Death." She dropped the stuffed animal. 

"What did you say to me?" Her voice was cold and even. 

"Huh- I-"

" _Not creating is death,_ This is coming from the boy who stopped playing his favorite instrument and hasn't picked it up in years."

"Rey-"

"-At least I have an excuse for not painting and drawing. My hands aren't as strong as they used to be. My grandpa died and I've been waiting to die since I was born-" she let it slip but she wasn't done.

"He's-"

"-But you? You have the family everyone asks for, an expensive piano, and you're prefectly healthy. Why'd you stop? Huh? Why did you ridicule me for asking why you stopped if you turn around and do the exact same thing to me!" She was right. She was right. Ben didn't even tell her why he'd panicked, why he'd stopped. Now was not a time for her to feel bad. He put his head in his hands as Rey caught her breath, looking at him with an odd expression on her face. 

* * *

She didn't think he would cry. 

She didn't want him to cry. She watched tears stream down his face and had to keep herself for shedding tears herself. 

"Ben..." Her voice took on a softness she didn't expect.

"You're right. I'm useless." He sniffed. She could only imagine the guilt he felt at the moment, feeling a little bad that she had wanted him to yell. "I... I didn't want this."

 "Really?"

"No. Nobody would." Tears came out of his eyes silently and Rey picked up her stuffed animal again and scooted closer to Ben. 

"Stop crying," she whispered. "You'll make me cry too."

"You shouldn't cry," Ben turned and wrapped his arms around her gently, "You didn't do anything wrong. I was a piece of shit,"

"Stop it."

"I... Can't ever make it up to you... Can I?" Rey was quiet, she yawned and then said,

"Yes you can," she said. "I'll tell you in the morning. Right now I think we both need to rest." Ben had stopped crying and she was still exhausted. But he didn't let go of her. So she pulled her blanket and fox closer to her, as he lowered himself in the couch. His chest was warm annd surprisingly comfortable, and Rey felt herself drowning out thunder and lightning, only to be lulled to sleep by his rhythmic breathing. "Goodnight," he whispered. 

"Night," it wasn't even five yet. Rey still fell asleep.

* * *

It was morning and Ben was glad that it was only nine. He'd only miss gym and that was fine with him. Rey was still passed out, sunlight shining through the blinds and playing against her freckled face. He could stay there forever if he wanted to, Rey wasn't going to budge. There was a knock at the door and Rey woke up with a start. "HOLY! WHAT TIME IS IT!!" 

"It's nine and there's someone at the door," he grunted as she elbowed her way off him. She ran to the door to see Finn on one side and Leia on the other through the peephole. 

"Rey I wanted to make sure you were awake." Finn said. 

"My son's car is in your driveway, I know he's there." 

"Shit," Ben muttered. He should have known this would happen. Rey turned back to Ben, signalling to shut up. 

"I think he walked to school Miss Organa, I had him over because it was raining last night and I didn't want him to drive home in the rain. He's not here. If you just give me a minute I have to take my medecine, I didn't take it last night." She ran from the door and pushed Ben up stairs, running back to her medecine cabinet to presumably shove pills down her throat. Rey had run back to the door and was about to cover for him when he came back downstairs. 

"I'm here mom," he said. "Just getting my backpack." He turned to Rey and mouthed thank you as she opened the door. 

"Are you sure?" His mother stood there. He did not talk to her, merely nodded, before sighing and stepping outside. The two of them shared a glance with each other and Leia asked. 

"How are you doing?"

"Fine, thanks for asking. I'm going to school now."

"I've been worried about you," she said. "I hope you know that." Ben knew that. All he ever was to her was worrying. Constant worrying. 

"I know," he said. "And I'm sorry for that,"

"You should come home," he shook his head no. Rey had pulled Finn inside to allow the conversation to go on. "At least come over sometimes, okay?" He nodded yes. Rey opened the door. 

"Bye, Ben," she had given him an excuse to leave.

"I'll see you at school Rey!" He waved to her and smiled before turning and rushing off before Leia could follow him. 

* * *

 

A new beginning. 

Despite Ben's standoffish nature, Rey was rather proud of the results. 

Progress.


	13. s o f t s o n g

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Gilmore Girls?"  
> "Don't judge me."

The days passed and Ben didn't see Rey at school at all. At first he wrote it off. She might be tired or busy, but that lasted for all of about five minutes before he began to worry about her. The evening after he'd finished school for the day he found himself making a detour for her house, trying to avoid the thought of eventually facing his mother in the process.  _God, his mother..._ what a disappointment he must be to her. He couldn't help but think of the last few years every time he came down this road. 

 Every brick was another thing he'd done wrong. Every time he felt like throwing up when going to a recital. Every time he-

 _No._ He was here to see Rey. Not to relive the past. 

He didn't have the piano in his life any more so that was behind him. Still, he lost the ability to hear the notes and she lost the ability to paint and Ben felt as if it was his fault. He stopped playing. She stopped painting. Did she stopped because of him? There was a tap on the glass of his driver's window and he turned to see Rey. She had her eyebrow raised. He got out when she backed up. "'Sup, Solo?" Her eyes were puffy and she sniffed. 

"When do you say 'sup'?" Rey shrugged and then coughed. "You're sick," Ben bit his lip and wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they headed back to her house, "How about some chicken soup and Netflix?"

"You're a gentleman," she laughed. 

"What? No chicken soup? Would you prefer something more high brow?" He set his jacket on the coathanger next to her door and went to the kitchen with her, looking for the cabinet that contained the pots. Ben was glad she wasn't looking when he stumbled across her medicine cabinet. He hadn't ever paid attention to how much medicine she had, it made him uncomfortable. 

He shut the door quickly and found the pans in a cabinet beneath the counter and grabbed soup as she sat at the dinner table. "Ben?" She asked. 

"Yeah..."

"Remember how you asked about making the past few years up to me?"

"Yeah,"

"Well I think I have the solution."

 

* * *

Ben looked busy cooking for her, she didn't want to disturb him, but this had to be done. She found every competition that she could find and then picked the least stressful one she could find.

"IwantyoutocompeteinapianocompetitionandIalreadysignedyouup," she coughed after running through the sentence. 

"What?"

 

* * *

 

“You signed me up for-?”

“-a piano competition,” Ben froze. His blood boiled.

“No,” _Calm down, this is Rey you’re talking to._ “I’m not doing it.” She sniffed at that, her face paled.

“I already signed you up,” She said weakly.

“I’m not-”

“-why?” Her voice became frighteningly low, and Ben turned his attention to the soup that he was making Rey in the first place.

“What?” Ben couldn’t believe this. Of all the people… The soup started boiling. He began to let it cool down.

“You heard me,” She rasped. Despite her sickness, she didn’t break her gaze. She wouldn’t apologize or let him get out of this easy. “Why?”

“Because I haven’t played piano in forever, Rey.” That was not going to be a satisfying excuse. He knew this the second he said it.

“Then practice, playing was special to you, we both know it. You could just go over to your mother’s.” He poured the soup into a plastic blue bowl. It had a magnolia painted on the outside of it. Dated for when Rey would’ve been about eleven.

“Rey,”

“There’s no excuse-”

“I can’t hear the notes,”

Silence. Ben put the bowl of soup in front of Rey, who was obviously trying to process what he had just said. She stirred at her soup absent mindedly until she thought of the right words in her head. “You can hear me just fine, can’t you?”

“It’s not the same,”

“Then tell me how it is!” She stabbed at her bowl with her spoon to emphasize her point. “All this god damned time I have been trying to get you to open up to me. I can’t make you. You have to do it. So do it now,” Ben stared at her. _Or are you too scared?_ Her eyes said. She coughed, then took a sip of her soup, waiting. The boy had to say he couldn’t blame her for taking the aggressive approach, he’d forced her hand.

“Do you really want to know?” She nodded, taking a bite of chicken noodle. “Fine, but you’re not going to like it.” Hell, she might not even understand it. “The last time I played, I froze on stage. I began to panic.”

“Because you can’t hear the notes?”

“That was the side effect of the panicking, I was thinking about what an awful person I had been, to you, to my mother, to my father. Thinking about the arguments my parents would get in. They were usually about me, and the more I thought about it the more stressed I got, the more I panicked. Soon I couldn’t hear the noted. It was like someone was pulling me down into the ocean, everything around me was muted and dull,” Rey blinked, “And I haven’t played piano since that day.”

“That’s the stupidest excuse that I have ever heard,” She coughed again before Ben could reply, continuing with, “Beethoven was actually deaf, he still managed to find a way to do what he loved.” More coughing. Ben winced. Moving to help her, but she held up a finger signalling for him to stay “My point is that stuff is in the past, and I know piano means a lot to you. So you should keep doing it, it’s obvious you can’t let go, so I figured as long as you played, it wouldn’t matter how you sound.”

“You know what that sounds like Rey?”

“What?”

“That sounds like a reason you should still be painting, it matters to you so why have you stopped doing it?”

“Because I can’t grip a fucking paintbrush, asshole. If you think that I could, do you think that I would still be doing it?”

“No,”

“Why?”

“Because Obi Wan’s dead,” By the look on her face, he could tell he was right. “Well, if you’re going to make me humiliate myself at this contest, you’ll have to paint me something as a consolation prize.”

“No, this your make up present to me.”

“And this is my only condition,”

She was silent for a minute.

“Fine,” she relented, “as long as you do as you’re told.”

Rey finished her soup and moved to the couch, Ben moved with her, and she promptly put her head on his chest. “Pillow,”

“Thanks?”

“Can you turn the TV on?”

“Yeah, anything you want to watch?” She stared at him and smiled, “Gilmore Girls?” Ben raised an eyebrow. “What? Don’t judge me,”

“Gilmore Girls is my favorite.” 

Rey finished her soup and moved to the couch, Ben moved with her, and she promptly put her head on his chest. “Pillow,”

“Thanks?”

“Can you turn the TV on?”

“Don’t worry, I make up for those times by being an asshole,” Rey laughed as he navigated Netflix to get to Gilmore Girls. They started at episode one, Rey moved a little more so she could see the TV screen.

"I'm going to sleep," 

"I'll be there when you wake up,"

"Good."

* * *

  
Weeks later, Ben was still panicking about the piano competition. He was sure that he was going to humiliate himself, but he couldn't let Rey down. He'd done it too many times to do it again. After he figured out what piece to select, memorized the notes, but the playing it? He couldn't believe he was doing this. His mother opened the door, immediately giving him a hug. 

"I need to use the piano," He said. 

"Wait what?"

"Don't make a big deal out of it this is a one time thing."

His mother let go of him and they both went into the house. "You're playing again?"

"Yeah," This was a one time thing.

"Would this have anything to do with Rey?" Leia raised an eyebrow. 

"What? Pfft. No." Leia still had the piano in the exact spot it had been in when he left. "Maybe,"

"I'll make you a snack."

Ben looked back at the keys. Anxiety rising in his throat. "Thank you, mom." His voice shook and Leia stopped in her tracks. 

"You're welcome son." Pause. "You know that right?"

"Yes."

He was back to the piano. 

Back to his mother and he was scared. He would fail again.

"I believe in you, Ben." She  whispered before going to the kitchen. 

Maybe he wouldn't this time.


	14. l i g h t

_What to paint? What to paint? What to paint?_

Rey stared down at the canvas in front of her and began to cry, she wasn’t sure why she began to cry either, but the blank white space was enough to evoke something out of her that it hadn’t in years.

Maybe it was the fact that her canvases had stayed blank for so long that disturbed her, or perhaps it was the fact that painting again was a step in moving on. Rey wasn’t sure, but she remembered Luke coming into her room silently, and patting her head as she looked up at the canvas. Tears coming out of her eyes. He made no extra move to comfort her or ask what was troubling her, but he pulled up a stool and sat next to her in her room. “You haven’t been here in a while,” She said. “Why are you back?”

“Because I made a promise to your grandfather, and I’m going to keep it, but enough about me. Back to the canvas.” “I don’t know if I can do it,” Rey admitted. “It’s been so long, I probably can’t paint as well as I used to.” Luke raised an eyebrow. “Breathe,” He said. “Close your eyes,”

“I don’t see what this has to do with painting,” Another raised eyebrow from the old man. She did as he said. “What do you see?”

* * *

 

Light poured in through the window as Ben practiced the keys over and over again but something wasn’t right. He still couldn’t hear the music, the keys, he still felt nothing as he played it. Nothing but panic and numbness. Leia set a hand on his shoulder. “Stop,” Was all she said before he had to make room on the piano bench for his mother. “You’re panicking,”

“Oh, really? How can you tell?”

“Cookie?” She grabbed one from the plate that she had set on the corner table next to the piano. Ben took it gratefully. “You always liked macadamia nut cookies,” She said, “weird kid.” She ruffled his hair and he couldn’t help but laugh. Quickly, he finished the cookie and brushed his pants off to make sure they were free of crumbs.

“What’s wrong?”

* * *

 

“Light,” Rey said. “And darkness.”

“Oh?”

“A balance, light fills a room, but only to a certain point, there’s a piano in it, but no one’s playing. It’s bleak, mostly black with some greys, some blues, but it’s beautiful.”

“I’m sure it is, Rey. Now paint it.”

“But-”

“No buts, you promised Ben and now you’re going to deliver.”

Rey turned to Luke, “How’d you know?”

* * *

 

“I’m going to fail again,” Ben said. “Just like I always do, it’s inevitable and I just can’t… I don’t want to fail Rey again.”

Leia was silent as she watched her son stare down at the keys of the piano in disgust. “Failing is inevitable,” She said, “and I want you to know that no matter how you do tomorrow, Rey will always be proud of you, I will always be proud of you, no matter what. Now close your eyes. I want you to envision the song in your head,” Ben raised an eyebrow at his mother. “Do it.”

“I doubt this will work,”

“It will,” Leia assured him. “Now do it, I want you to envision the song in your head. Every note, everything the song makes you feel. Not what the composer intended to make people feel, what it makes you feel.” Ben did as told. “Now imagine who you’re playing the song for.”

Everything had been pitch black before, but then he saw at he laid his fingers down on the keys. He saw it. A small glimmer of something gold, it shined, he chased it as his fingers began to go to work, the notes began to work themselves out as he chased it. That small bit of gold that was almost a rose color.

 

He could hear something.

 

Laughter, a charming giggle that he missed, the hints of joy, and then he saw it. _He saw her. His light._ The room around the both of them was completely dark but the both of them sat on the piano bench as he worked at the keys, as the notes shined in a way they never had before, as he made the song work in the right tempo again.

 

When he was done, he opened his eyes to see his mother in tears.

* * *

 

 

Rey grabbed her pencil and began working furiously. She had remembered every angle, every quirk of Ben Solo’s stupid face, and she intended to honour it in her painting.

 

She hadn’t remembered Luke leaving the room and coming back with snacks to watch her paint, or when she had set her brush to the canvas, but she did remember working through cramps and pain as she went to work. The light rushing through the window, begging to reach the boy. The darkness on his shoulders, the burden, then she worked on his hair. Perhaps her favorite part.

 

Hell, the painting wasn’t perfect.

 

But it was Ben.

 

He wasn’t meant to be perfect either.

 

She let it dry for an hour and slept, letting Luke tuck her in and tell her stories about Obi Wan that she hadn’t known, and then she got up and kept working, kept adding to the painting until she was satisfied. Until he was done.

 

The painting was done and she was alone, staring at what she had made. That’s when she saw a photo of her grandfather that she had kept hidden in the corner of her room. She picked it up and smiled, fond memories of close times spent together filling her head. “Grandpa,” She said. “I hope that you’re proud of me now… I’m trying.”

* * *

 

“I’m so proud of you, kid.” Leia kissed her son’s head. “I’m so proud.” Ben felt wrong, she should be mad, or at least slightly disappointed in him still, for avoiding her for so long. “I love you, and don’t you forget it.”

 

“Thanks, mom.” He said.

 

“And… can I ask you a favor?”

 

“Yeah, sweetie. Anything.”

 

“Can I stay here, just for tonight?” Leia smiled again.

 

“Of course, son. I’ll make you dinner. Do you want anything to drink?”

  
“Water would be nice,”  He stayed at the piano bench, contemplating what he done for just a moment, playing the song right should’ve been a big step. So why did he feel so uneasy? Ben wanted to be happy. He wanted to think tomorrow would be okay, but he knew with his luck, it would be exactly the opposite.


	15. t h i n g s y o u w i l l r e m e m b e r

It was time.

 

It was time and of course, Ben wasn’t here. He was four performances away from having to go on, and he had promised Rey that he would be there. She wasn’t mad until she saw Leia’s face. The disappointment on her face. She found herself standing up and exiting the building, running as fast as her legs could carry her. It wasn’t long before her chest felt like it was bursting, but she didn’t care. She was going to get him to play, whether he wanted to or not.

 

He would play for her before she died.

 

That was the one thing that she wanted, and it was the one thing that she had really wanted to do. Rey unlocked her phone as she ran and dialed Finn’s number, crossing the street without paying attention to the cars. “Finn!” She exclaimed once he picked up. “I need a ride! Um… I’m downtown… I’m running towards the library could you please pick me up. It’s urgent.”

  
“Yeah, sure. Peanut.” She felt the clock tick down until Finn arrived and they started speeding towards Rey's house. Rey grabbed the painting and ran back out, her heart still feeling as if it was going to burst before she told Finn to go towards the school. He did, not asking why, three performances left, he had to come.  _Where would she find him?_ She got out of the car and grabbed her painting. "Do you want me to help you look for him?" Finn asked.

"No," she said. "I have to do this alone. Just wait here okay?" She ran without waiting for an answer. Of course he was in the courtyard, lying on top of a table in his suit. 

"Hey!" She shouted. 

He didn't move.

"Ben!" She shouted again, panting. She was forced to slow to a brisk walk, but she could see him starting to get off the table. "You're going to get your damn ass in Finn's car, and go to the competition now. Your mother is counting on you being there."

"She's used to me letting her down," Ben said. "She'll just get over it." He said. 

"Oh, my god." Rey said. "Why?"

"I mean... I just figured I'm not gonna win. Playing on stage again like that... I can't do that. So why try?"

"Why try and stay healthy when I know I'm gonna die anyway," Rey muttered. 

"What?"

"I said why try and stay healthy when dying young is inevitable for me."

"Rey that's different," he was up now, in her face, but she didn't relent. She place the small canvas in his hands. He looked at it, then back at her, the tears brimming in her eyes. 

"It's not. Now come on. Please. Just play for me. Please."

He was silent, watching as she broke into tears. "I just need this one thing to work out okay, not even for me, but for you. I mean... You're really important to me and I want to make sure that you're okay, and I've been waiting to hear you play for so long... So if you won't do it for yourself then do it for my selfish reasons. Do it for me."

 

* * *

 

"God I'm a dick," He sighed. Rey stood there, still crying. "Okay. I'll do it,"

"Really?" That had perked her up, in fact Ben was sure she wasn't actually crying. "Great! Come on. Finn's waiting in the car." She pulled his hand and Ben held the small canvas in the other hand. 

Her painting was beautiful, it always was, he was just amazed by the change of topic. Her thing had been the fantastic, the beauty of nature and supernatural wonders among it. 

Now she painted him... 

He had to play, but how could he fail in front of Rey? That would be humiliating. 

"Come on, you muscular giraffe! I can't pull you all the way to the car!" Finn honked and the both of them started running towards the car. They got in and Finn began speeding without even looking at Ben in the backseat. 

"Thanks," Ben said when he caught his breath. 

"Your welcome... _Asshole_." He muttered. Ben raised an eyebrow and looked to Rey in the front seat, who lightly hit Finn in the arm. 

"Play nice." She said. This made the boy laugh, and the two of them began talking at rapid fire pace as Finn began to guiding them back to the concert hall where the competition took place. Ben couldn't help but feel jealous, watching how well the two of them communicated.  _He's a better friend than I will ever be._ Ben thought. "We're here!" 

 Everything was a whirlwind. Ben was issued every which way and he didn't remember exactly how long it was before he had to go on stage. 

He didn't remember sitting either. 

All he could feel were the bright lights staring down on him. 

Whispers. 

People who remembered who he was from this type of thing. 

_Do something._

_Start playing._

_Start playing._

_Start playing._

He set his fingers to the keys, and began. He began drowning.

* * *

 He was drowning. 

Rey could see it. 

Leia could see it. Everyone knew it. He was off tempo nearly as soon as he had started, oh but it had been such a good start.

_Just get through the song._

_Just get through the song, please._

He stopped playing. 

* * *

 

He was disqualified. He knew it now and he knew that this was inevitable, the lights blinded him, and he couldn't hear past the plunking of the keys, the imagined whisper of the judges, so he stops playing. The lights were almost unbearable, and sweat dripped off his brow as people began to whisper.  _What was wrong with him?_ They were probably saying. He didn't blame them for asking that. 

He would like to know too. 

Ben closed his eyes, still drowning. It was like he was at the bottom of the sea, there was no light getting through. No sound came through.

He was alone.

He could see his piano and that was about it.

That's when he saw it. Rather, _him._ A young boy with dark black hair stared back at him. 

"I'm going insane," Ben muttered to himself.

"No, you're having a nervous breakdown." His mother... but younger. "It's one of the things you've always struggled with, but remember what I told you?" The boy and his mother sat down on the now elongated piano bench.

"You don't always need to be perfect," The small boy began to play, "that's okay." His mother was older now and the little boy was no longer there. "Just imagine in your mind who you want to play for, go on. Do it. Close your eyes."

"My eyes are already closed,"

"Figuratively speaking," Leia amended. "Think of her," _Yes, Rey._

 _Rey. There is so much that I wish I could say to you, so much that I wish I could say but I'm too much of a coward to say it. Let's start somewhere safe. You're amazing in all the ways I could not explain. You push me and, god, I need that so much._ Rey. Who was in the crowd right now, watching him,  _You bring so much light to my world, Rey._ _I'm never going to leave you again._

He opened his eyes, resuming the song, but this time the notes were different.

There was no monotonous plunking of the keys, it wasn't played exactly the way that Fredrich Chopin had wanted it played exactly, sure. It was something else. 

It was as if the notes were sparkling. 

* * *

 

Rey couldn't believe her ears, she gripped the edge of her seat, sweating as she listened to the boy that she... held so dear playing again. 

What was he doing? 

He was disqualified, yes. But that didn't matter, he could still keep playing until his time was up, and Rey was glad for that. She felt her heart pound as she listened to the music coming from his fingertips. 

"Oh my god," Leia was right there with her, as the both of them watched Ben perform. 

It was beautiful, the sweat and newfound emotion that he poured into the song, it was almost romantic. Rey wondered what had brought him out of that stupor, what had given him the bravery to keep doing this. It didn't matter. He was done.

He had done it.

Rey had heard him play, and when he was done everyone stood up and clapped, something that was never supposed to happen at events like these. 

Rey looked to Leia, to see the woman crying. It was the first real genuine smile she'd seen on her that didn't look a bit sad.  

"Thank you," She whispered as she embraced Rey in a hug, "Thank you." 

* * *

 

They were both elated to see him, and Ben wasn't really sure why, his mother hugged him and kissed him as they walked out of the concert hall.

Rey practically jumped on him, running from the main exit and in to his arms. Ben was grateful he caught her. 

She as lighter than expected. 

Really light. 

Her smile was infectious. "Good job," she whispered. 

"I was disqualified," Ben reminded her. 

"I don't care," Rey reminded him. 

Leia coughed and Ben let Rey drop to the ground. The both of them blushed, but Ben was the most notable of the two. "Mhm, come on. I'll drive you two home."

Rey grabbed Ben by the arm, leaning her head against him as they walked. "I'm proud of you," she said. Something made Ben's heart beat faster. She yawned. 

"You tired?"

"Lot of running," she said. "Got to go home and take my meds. Lay down..."

"Yeah, I get it." He put his arm over her shoulder and stared down at the girl. Her hair was only in one bun now, the rest of her hair falling at her shoulders.

God, she was just... Beyond beautiful.

Ben shook his head, walking a little slower so Rey wouldn't have to keep up. They made it to the car and buckled into the backseat. It wasn't long before Rey had fallen asleep, her head leaning against Ben's shoulder. He watched her silently as they began to drive out of town.

Leia cursed under her breath whenever someone cut her off, as she always did. Ben felt himself succumbing to sleep himself.

The warmth of Rey's body wasn't much to prevent him from not wanting to sleep, he leaned against the window sill, fidgetting a little until the both of them could be in a comfortable position.

Soon they were both asleep, silence overtaking the car. 

 


	16. w h i t e

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for the next two chapters: Death, Injury, Some Self Harm

Good and evil should not coexist, especially when evil seems to prey upon the good, the people who ultimately don't deserve it the most. That was Rey's ideal thought of the world, her ideal version. In that world, Obi Wan was still alive, she wasn't sick, and she and Ben stuck together. 

Of course, it was useless to imagine this. Daydreams never came true after all. 

It had been several months since Ben's performance and things had become hectic. With Rey not feeling up to going to school and Ben taking his finals, the two of them hadn't seen each other much. But Luke came over and cooked for her, made sure she was taking her nine different pills, and occasionally he even talked to her. On those days they talked about a variety of things, painting, what Luke and Leia were like as children, and stories of her grandfather. 

She loved them all. On the days they didn't talk he would pull out a musical, usually Singing In The Rain, and they would watch it together. Luke humming the tunes happily and Rey breaking out into full song. 

Today, Finn came over, and so had Poe. Snow drifted onto the floor as Rey held the door open for the both of them. "Damn it's cold," was the first thing Poe said. The next thing being, "Hot cocoa or tea?" 

"Cocoa, please." Rey said, closing the door as the two of them came in. She hopped on the couch next, covering herself in her blanket.  _God it was so cold._

"Good, I'll be in the kitchen." He patted Rey's head before heading to the kitchen. 

"Take your coat off, stay awhile."

"Can't. Have to go help Miss Organa shovel her driveway so she can go to the store, I'll be back though." Finn took off his heavy orange coat (one that looked suspiciously like something she had seen Poe wear before) and joined Rey under her blanket, cuddling up against her. 

"Get off me, you're cold." She giggled.

"Need to cuddle, for survival." He said. 

"Oh?"

"Yup," He looked at her very serious. "Got Netflix?"

"Of course," Rey reached to the side of her blanket and gave Finn the remote. 

"It says you've only watched Gilmore Girls and the Twilight Zone on here." 

"Both classics," Rey said. Poe came back with two cups of hot cocoa and handed them off to Finn and Rey. 

"A girl after my own heart," Poe joked. Finn rolled his eyes as Poe headed for the door, "Be back in a few, sweetie." She knew exactly who that was directed and smiled at Finn as the door closed. 

_"Oooh, somebody's got a boyfriend."_

"Shut up,"

" _Finn and Poe, kissing in a tree-"_

"At least I'm not pining after a clueless emo," Rey punched Finn. "Ow!"

"I'm not pining for Ben."

“Right,” Finn rolled his eyes and flipped to a show called Stranger Things. “Have you ever seen this?”

“No,” She said.

“It’s set in the eighties… it’s really good. Kinda scary… but that’s what the blanket and hot cocoa are for,”

“Put it on.” Finn did, getting up momentarily to turn off the lights before diving back into the blanket and wrapping his arm around Rey’s waist as the show began.

* * *

 

They binge-watched Stranger Things and it was now three in the afternoon. Poe had come back in about half way through the first season and Rey paused to take her  pills before they all ended up cuddling under the blanket.

 

It was like this for a while, Rey felt herself getting sleepy when they moved on to the OA, and ended up falling asleep for the first episode. Finn told her it was okay, he’d fill her in later, but Poe said that Leia had called him.

 

“I knew this was gonna happen.” He said.

 

“What?”

 

“Well I told Miss Organa I could take her in my car, that it would be fine, but she insisted that she could go in her own car, well the car won’t start. So now she’s stuck at the store. I’m gonna go get her. I’ll be back… I’m gonna go get her. Make sure she’s okay.” He seemed a little bit panicked. “Sorry, Rey.”

 

“No it’s fine,” Rey assured him. “We’ll keep the couch warm for you.”

 

“Drive safe!” Finn added as he ran out the door. “He forgot his coat,”

 

“He’ll be fine,” Rey said. “I think it’s sweet he cares about her so much,”

 

“Yeah… well… she might as well be his secondary mother. He told me that his mother kicked him out for being gay, Leia helped him make a payment for his first apartment, gave him work. They’d do anything for each other.” That explained a lot. Rey smiled a little sadly, but looked back towards the screen. “What do you want to watch next?”

 

“I don’t know, peanut. You look pretty tired. Are you sure that you want to watch something? If you’re tired you can go back to sleep.”

 

“I’m fine,” She yawned. Finn raised an eyebrow. “Plus if I fall asleep, I’ll probably just fall asleep on you.”

 

“Okay,” He shrugged.

 

“Watched any of the Marvel shows?”

 

“Daredevil, that’s it.”

 

“We gotta watch Jessica Jones now,”

 

“We _gotta watch Jessica Jones.”_

 

“It’s mandatory to watch them in order,”

 

“Whatever you say,” Rey laughed. They started a new series, intent on just wasting the day away as the snow piled up in the yard. Hours passed by and Poe hadn’t come in. There was no call.

At first Finn didn’t seemed that concerned, he said there might be some traffic and they might have waited to get Leia’s car towed. But later Rey turned on the news, regretting having done so.

 

* * *

 

“There’s been a wreck.” The rest of the words were just mumblings to Rey as she stared at the screen. That was Poe’s car onscreen, they were half way back from the Wal-Mart when another car got caught on a patch of ice and collided with his.

 

“Both victims of the crash had been sent to the hospital, their conditions remained unknown, one victim, an eighteen year old by the name of Poe Dameron suffered head trauma and injury to his right eye as well as his arm. The other, sixty year old Leia Organa suffered laceration to the neck and injury to the neck as well as other injuries.”

 

“Oh god,” Rey felt something in her stomach drop, and Finn ran to the bathroom, she could hear him retching. She ran for her dresser, getting dressed and buckling her coat up. Did Luke know? _Did Ben know?_

 

“Come on,” Rey said. “Come on, Finn. You have to get up, come on. We need to go tell Luke, we need to get to the hospital, come on!" She managed to get him up and in a coat as they ran to Luke's house. He seemed to know something was wrong. The both of them were in tears as they explained what has happened. 

They were in the car the next second. 

They went to Ben's apartment but he wasn't there. The general hospital was the first place they went, and Luke had never moved faster towards the door, Rey carted Finn along. "He's going to be fine, you know that right? He's going to be fine," 

"Rey you saw the... You heard what the reporter said. You can't guaruntee that," He was right. Rey guaruntee that. After all this was the world that took her grandfather from her so early. 

"He'll be fine," She said again. "Leia will be fine." When they got to the right ward, Rey could hear Ben shouting. 

"Where the fuck is my mother!" Luke started walking faster. "I've been trying to get someone's attention for ten fucking minutes! I want to know where my fucking mom is! Can't somebody around here do their goddamn job and tell me her fucking room? Where she's having surgery and when she'll be out? Jesus fucking Christ!" 

"Sir! If you could just calm down. We need to your mother's name,"

"Leia fucking Organa! I've said this eight times." Rey had been in the hospital before, and she'd only heard that tone of shouting before one time by her grandfather when the nurses wouldn't pay attention to him. All he was asking for was a pain pill for her. 

They quieted him down. Apparently he knew the room now. Rey ran straight into him in the hallway. "What are you doing here?"

 "I... I heard about the car accident." She said. "Is Leia gonna be okay?"

"I don't know Rey," he sighed quietly but she could see the anxiety welling up in his chest and she knew that she could do nothing to comfort him in this moment. "I really don't know, they told me she was almost out of surgery and would be placed in room 505," 

"Okay," she said. "Do you want me to wait here with you?" Luke had gone back to talk to the nurses, as well as Finn, who was probably trying to find out where Poe was. 

"I need to be alone," Ben admitted. Rey grabbed his hand. Her eyebrows furrowed. 

"I'll come back in about an hour," she promised.

As she left, she heard Ben try and reassure himself. "She'll be okay,"

* * *

 

Poe was already awake, but in bad shape all the same, he had a bandage over part of his face and the doctor had said that he'd be blind in his right eye for the rest of his life. He got stitches in his arm as well.  

Finn was in tears as he had watched him sleep but now Poe was awake and it was worse because he didn't know. He didn't know yet. 

Rey had just come back from the bathroom when he woke up, the first thing he asked was how Leia was doing.

Possibly the worst yet, they didn't know either. 

"She's supposed to be out of surgery in about thirty minutes," They told him. He didn't move. "Tell me if she was okay... She lost a lot of blood." It must've hurt to even think about it. "Do you know anything about the asshole that hit us?"

"No," Rey said. "We don't,"

Poe pursed his lips as he watched Ben come in. "What the everloving fuck man?"

"Ben!" Rey shouted. 

"You were supposed to take care of my mom, what the shit!"

"Hey!" Finn said. "It wasn't his fault," Ben ignored Finn and turned to Poe's bed. He didn't even look scared. 

"What happened?"

"We got hit by a car that lost control," Poe said. "And really, Ben? I was supposed to protect your mother. This is coming from the asshole who didn't talk to her for years." 

"Take that back," 

"Ben, back the fuck up!" Rey shouted. A security guard was probably coming. 

"I protected her all that I could. I saw the car coming, I shielded your mom with my arm and pulled her towards me before the car was totalled." Suddenly, Ben started to sober from the violent anger he'd just undergone.

"What the hell is going on here?" Luke had found them. "Rey, get him out of here." He gave her some money for the gift shop. "Come on, Ben."

Looking around quietly, he blinked, taking in everything in its entirety before rushing out of the room. Rey followed, grabbing his hand and slowing him down. "Have you eaten today?" She asked. 

"No," 

"You're going to eat. Come on. I'll get you some chocolate." 

"I'm not hungry," Ben was starting to cry, and Rey knew that she had to distract him somehow. 

"You're going to eat something, even if I have to force it down your throat. I don't want you throwing up or passing out on me, okay?" He didn't resist her as she pulled him towards the elevator. They went down to the first floor and she grabbed them both milky ways, some advil, and waters. She gave him his milky way, watching him scarf the thing thing down in seconds. "You weren't hungry?" Rey raised an eyebrow. Ben was silent, glaring at the snow outside. 

"I hate snow," He said. 

"Me too," Rey said. Ben probably had more reason than she did. "Do you want some advil? It might help you calm down a bit," 

"I don't want any," 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah, Rey. I'm sure." He was looking back at the clock where the elevator was. 

Silence. 

"I'm sorry," He said. "I'm being a dick," 

"Ben, it's understandable. But you really need to calm down, you're anxiety is making everything feel a lot worse than it should be, and I'm sure Leia wouldn't want you to worry so much." They'd taken a seat on couches in the front room. 

"I know, I know, god I'm a fucking joke." He put his head in his hands, closing his eyes. 

"You're not a joke, Ben. It's just anxiety okay, Leia will be out soon and we'll know how she's doing then, okay? Until then... breathe... that's the only way that's going to make the situation any better." 

* * *

Once Ben had gotten a little sugar in his system, Rey wished she could say that everything was better. She wished she could say that both Poe and Leia were going to recover smoothly and Ben could tell his mother that he loved her. She wished that she could say that she wouldn't see Luke cry for the very first time in her life, she wished that she could say everything ended well, and that the Solo-Skywalker men would not know pain, but this wasn't something that she could say truthfully. 

That would be a revision of history. 

The worst snowy night in history. The first thing Ben Solo had been told in regards to news about his mother, was the fact that there was a possibility that she would never wake up. He sat there, numbly taking it all in. He didn't look at Rey. He didn't look at Luke or the nurses. 

He stared straight at the ground, and Rey was afraid that the boy in front of her might break. 

Finn had gone back to tell Poe the news when Ben had gone to sit in the chair next to the bed his mother was in. Rey wished that he never had to see her like this, but he seemed to drink in her every feature as he whispered something that Rey could barely make out. It sounded like a lullaby, something Leia must've sang to him. Tears started spilling down his cheeks and tears turned into sobs, something that sounded like an awful guttural sound, coming from the throat. Luke was crying to, biting his lip and staring down at his sister. 

Rey was quiet, the only reason she wasn't crying was perhaps because she'd seen this before, and she knew what came next. 

After hours of debating and Rey insisting to stay at their side after visitor hours were up, they had come to a decision that Ben didn't want, but knew would ultimately be inevitable. Ben cried and Luke said that he would pull the plug when her primary doctor just how slim the chances of her waking actually were. Ben held his mother's hand, running his thumb around in circles as she did when he was upset, or wanting comforting before sleep. 

That night Leia Organa died. 

Rey ran after Ben and they somehow found themselves in the parking lot. 

"It's so cold, come back into the building Ben." 

"No," 

"Ben," She was trying not to cry. 

"Rey," he said back. "I can't..." Ben kicked the trash can next to him in a sudden fit of anger, "FUCK!"  He screamed. "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" He kept kicking it, trying to dent it, and finally getting it to come loose from the screws at some point before Rey pulled him back. 

"You're going to injure yourself," 

"I don't care, I don't care, I don't care." She pushed him against the wall before he slid down to the ground, his face was red, he couldn't breathe. 

"Listen, I don't know what to say, and I can't say that it's going to get better, but I'm here. And you can't just hurt yourself okay? Your mother wouldn't want that," 

"My mother's dead," He said, his mouth was open after saying that, as if it was painful to say, without a word he got up. "Go back inside, Rey. I'll be back in a minute. I need to be alone." She paused. "Go inside, go to your other friends,   _just leave me alone!"_ He yelled. Rey went back inside without a second thought, breaking into tears. 

Rey cried harder than she ever had before, ever than she had for her grandfather. 

Poe nearly died. 

Leia was dead. 

Ben was broken, and there was nothing she could do to fix it. 

Nothing at all. 

 


	17. s t u p i d d e c i s i o n s

Ben didn’t come back like he told Rey that he would, he didn’t go to the funeral, he didn’t go anywhere near his home, or his mother’s home. He found himself on Phasma’s couch in the back of her tattoo parlor. She hadn’t asked him what was wrong, she already knew. “I’m not going to have any more customers,” She said. “I don’t even know why I’m open, so do you want something to help ease your troubles?” Of course Phasma had weed. Of course Ben accepted. She closed the door and left him alone, and he slept for about two hours before he heard Rey’s voice.

    “Phasma, he’s not at his apartment, he hasn’t answered my calls, and I had to interrogate Hux to get this address, please just tell me where he is. I’m worried about him.” Ben  got up, looking towards the back door. God, he hoped that Phasma wouldn’t sell him out.

    “Listen, I know Ben, but I don’t know you.” Ben started moving to the back door, opening it quietly as Rey argued with Phasma.

    “His mother died!” She yelled. “He’s in trouble, and I’m worried okay! Just tell me where he is.” He opened the door and slipped out through the back, her panicking not really phasing him, most of his inside was just numb. There was nowhere else to go at this point, the air was starting to warm up after a couple of days. Ben went between Phasma’s tattoo parlor and Hux’s house, most of the time in a drugged out daze, but it didn’t seem to help much.

    Three weeks after Leia’s funeral, Phasma was sitting on the couch across from her. “Ben,” She said, “You need to go back to Rey and Luke.”

    “No,”

“They’re blowing the shit out of my phone,”

“I’m not,” The numbness in his brain was starting to edge off.

“I’m not going to give you any more weed,” She said. “I’m giving you an hour to get out of here, okay?” That got him up in his seat.

“What the fuck?”

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

* * *

 Ben had generally been avoiding everything for weeks, but as usual things caught up with him. Rey seemed to track his every move, tracking him down at Hux's house, Phasma's tattoo parlour, and even the trailer park where Mitaka shot up. 

That didn't stop him from avoiding her, even though he knew that was only going to make it worse for the both of them. 

Maybe he should've told her about the numbness that followed his mother's death and how everything around him seemed desaturated of all its color. 

Maybe he should've told her about how the drowning had come back. How he couldn't process anything without the help of drugs...

Maybe, he should've said goodbye or at least written her a note before he decided to go back to his apartment, locking the door behind him, he grabbed a bottle of Nyquil from the medicine cabinet and headed for the bathroom.

The silence was painful. 

He wanted it to stop. 

He wanted everything to stop, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think... 

He wanted to stop. 

It was selfish, Ben figured, to want this. But he was a selfish person. He was a shitty coward who couldn't even go to his mother's funeral. He got that from his dad. He was a shitty coward who abandoned his best friend for years. He was a shitty coward who couldn't bare the thought of losing people, even though he knew he had alienated himself so much from everyone already. The razor had always sat there next to the soap in his bathtub. Ben got the water running and when it was full, he took two doses of Nyquil. 

He should've said goodbye to Rey. 

Goodbye and sorry for being such a disappointment. 

Maybe there was an afterlife. 

Maybe he would see his mom. 

God, his mom hadn't deserved any of this. 

She hadn't deserved such a disappointment of a son. 

Ben grabbed the razor and brought it to his skin in a straight line down his vein. The water was turning red. 

 

* * *

 

Rey had seen the lights of his apartment on, and decided she'd give him a few minutes before she and Finn went to go talk to him. But she noticed something was wrong when there was a lack of movement through the windows. She had a sense of dread in her stomach as she started to get out of the car, Finn following her. "Rey, you're gonna make yourself sick if you keep chasing him. You know that? Maybe he just needs space."

Rey pounded on his door. 

No answer. 

"Rey."

 More pounding. 

 

Finn broke the door down, he seemed to be on the same wavelength that Rey was on, and they both ran through the house. “Ben! Ben!” Her heart raced as she noticed that the faucet was running, Finn and her both looked at each other momentarily as a sense of dread filled her stomach, her mind knew what was going to be through the doors, and yet she knew she wouldn’t be ready to see it. _Please still be alive, please._ Finn kicked in the door to Ben’s bathroom.

 

Rey screamed. It was the most gutteral scream she’d ever emitted, making her insides hurt as she stared at the mess in front of her. Ben was barely conscious, the water around him red, blood dripped down from one of his arms slowly, now coagulating from the time the wound had been open. “Shit,” Finn had said. He was searching for a phone as Rey grabbed a towel from the edge of the sink and pressed it against the open wound Ben had inflicted upon himself.

 

“Ben,” She shook him gently, and then harder. “Ben!”

 

He seemed to notice her for the first time, a haze of confusion in his eyes. “Rey,” He said. “This wasn’t supposed to happen, am I dead yet?”

 

“No, and you can’t die, okay? Finn, my phone’s in my back pocket. Grab it for me,”

 

“Yeah,” Ben grabbed her when Finn was about to hand her her phone.

 

“Don’t,” He said. “Let me…” The boy leaned back in the tub, “I won’t forgive you. I won’t.” Rey’s heart broke, but she knew what she had to do next.

 

His grip relaxed and Rey dialed 911 as Ben stared at her in confusion and disgust. She calmed herself down as much as she could, trying to prevent Ben from losing anymore blood. “What’s your emergency?”

  
“My friend tried to commit suicide, he’s lost a lot of blood.”  Finn had to explain the rest to the operator, Rey was too intent on keeping Ben conscious and breathing. It was a difficult task, and she kept babbling in an attempt to keep him awake. He only looked at her as if she'd betrayed him somehow, all she could think was  _What did I do wrong?_   _What did I do wrong? What did I do?_  

She was going to lose him tonight. 

She was going to lose Ben, no matter if he lived or died tonight, she would rather Ben live. 

If Ben lived through this, then she'd be honouring Leia's memory. She'd be honouring her own memory before the inevitability of the end. 

He would live. 

The ambulance was here. 

He would live. 


	18. m i s g u i d e d g h o s t s

"Rey hasn't spoken for three weeks," Was the first thing Finn told Luke, when he had entered Rey's house. He'd been silently bottling up his feelings as he saw Rey wreck herself mentally, blaming herself for Ben Solo, even though she knew full well that it wasn't her fault. _Finn hoped she knew it wasn't her fault._ "She hasn't spoken for three weeks because you're nephew fucked her up and your doing nothing to help," The old man had been staring out the window, not making eye contact with the young boy as he came in. "Listen, Mr. Skywalker, I know that both of them mean a lot to you, and I know that you just lost your sister but you're Rey's care taker, it's your job to cheer her up." There was nothing that seemed to get through this man's head. "Fine, ignore her." The boy said. "I'm going to take her to get Poe out of the hospital and then try and get her mind off things, you don't have to move a fucking muscle." He walked upstairs to find Rey already dressed, there was plastic down as she angrily painted away at the canvas, Finn was sure she was crying. 

Rey stopped when Finn closed the door. 

She didn't say anything. "Rey," Finn said, he lowered his tone to make sure he didn't set her off. "You should get out of the house, come with me." She didn't object to this. She let him guide her out of the room, Finn looked back at what she was painting. Bath room tiles. Red bathroom tiles. 

It was time to get her out of the house. He grabbed her hand and lead her to his car, she got in the backseat and buckled silently before he started the car. "Have you eaten today?" She nodded. "Have you eaten lunch?" She shook her head no. "Good. I'm taking you and Poe out to lunch." Kids played around on the sidewalk as they drove. "Can you do me a favor and talk to Poe when he gets out? Talk to someone. It'll be a lot harder to have fun today if you don't talk at all."

No response. He would get her to talk. 

Rey might've been stubborn but she couldn't stay silent forever. 

It wasn't like her. 

He was right. 

When Poe had gotten in the backseat, he shouted, "Cock!" As loud as he could, and Rey jumped before a fit of giggling hit her. "How you doing, pretty lady?" He joked. 

"I'm doing okay," She said. Her voice was raspy, making her sound even more depressing. "You?" Poe pointed to his eye patch and said. 

"I've been feeling rather piratey lately." She laughed again, and Finn was glad that he was here. He had the brains to read the mood of the car before he even got in the backseat lately. "Other than that..." He trailed off. "I'm not dead. That's pretty cool. And I have an awesome boyfriend and a great best friend, so that's got to be a hell of a lot better than some people." Finn twisted in his seat to kiss Poe on the cheek before rebuckling and starting the car. 

_Where to?_

He'd let fate decide that. He just started to drive. 

Rey rubbed her eyes and reclined the seat a little. "Tired?"

"Yeah,"

"Sleep. I'll wake you up. Don't worry." 

* * *

 

Rey didn't know what Finn's game was. She wanted to go back home and wallow in her own misery in peace. And in her curiosity. Ben had told her that he would never forgive her if she called an ambulance. 

It haunted her dreams-- the sight of him drowning like that. Poe and Finn's chatter helped drown it out a little, but that didn't stop her thinking that she did something wrong, that she should've done something more to try and help him.

_What could I have done?_

The frightening thing was... There was nothing. 

Nothing she could have done. 

She pretended to sleep for a while, before Finn tapped her shoulder. "We're here." He said. "Time to get up." She unbuckled and yawned, stepping out of the car and nearly stumbling. Poe caught her before she hit the grass. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah... Just... Get dizzy sometimes." 

"Finn, may be this isn't a good idea." His hands were on her waist, keeping her upright. Rey looked out at the field in front of them, there were sunflowers everywhere. 

"It's beautiful," She said. 

"I thought you'd like it," Finn was proud of himself, and Rey grabbed Poe's hand as they made their was closer to the fields. "My mom used to bring me here." He said. "And since the magnolias aren't in bloom yet, I thought you'd like to see the sunflowers instead. Maybe you could paint them." For a second, Rey's mind wasn't on Ben. She kept walking, taking in the bright yellow fields around her.

The flowers were soft underneath her touch. "Thank you," she said. "I love it." They stayed there for a good few hours, Rey and Poe ran through the fields, playing tag like children (a game that Poe won every time) while Finn had gone to get food. She had to stop, out of breath and waring out. She dropped to the ground and held her hand up. Poe sat down next to her. Her lungs weren't getting enough air. 

"Put both your arms up and breathe," Poe sat down next to her as she did so. Once she felt better she dropped her arms down, crawling over to where Poe sat. "You know... I don't know why we haven't become better friends yet." The boy told her. She sat in his lap, putting her head on his shoulder. "I guess all this crazy shit has happened and... We haven't had time to talk." His voice cracked but he kept talking. "Finn's crazy about you, y'know? Before you he didn't have many friends. I don't know why but he didn't... So you mean a lot to him."

"That's sweet," Rey said. "The two of you mean a lot to me, I don't know if I could live this long without the two of you."

"I'm sure you could. You're strong, Rey. Really strong." Rey laughed as Poe hugged her. 

"I couldn't do it without help," They were silent for a bit when Poe asked,

"Rey?"

"Yeah?" 

"If you don't mind me asking, what's wrong with you?"

A lot of things. 

"In what way?"

"I know you're sick, but I don't know from what. You don't have to tell me." 

Rey was silent for a minute. "You won't tell Finn or Ben?"

"Ben's in the hospital and I won't tell Finn unless you want me to, okay?"

"Okay," She had stopped explaining what she was sick from awhile ago. It was too depressing, but Poe was willing to listen. "Do you know what Friedrich's Ataxia is?" She asked. 

"No,"

"Well it's what I'm sick for. It's similar to ALS in someways I guess, massive organ failure, vascular degradation, all the fun stuff."

There was a pause. 

"That's... awful..." She buried her head in his jacket. 

"How long?"

"A year."

* * *

 

Finn came back to see Poe and Rey still playing in the field. "Food!" He called. The two of them came running as Poe pulled out a hot dog for Poe and a styrofoam bowl of macaroni for Rey.

"I love you," She hugged Finn and took her food, sitting on the hood of the car to eat. She was eager to finish fast before she said. "We should go somewhere else,"

"What? Why?" Rey shrugged. 

"I love it here and everything, but I need to get my mind off everything. Keep moving." She said. "I love that you've brought me here. I really do." It was all starting to come back. 

 _The thought of Ben dying in a bathtub, trying to bleed himself to death, as if he thought it were the only option._ Rey felt anger well up in her chest, all of the hate, all of the problems she had with them rose to the top of her chest like overshaken soda, and the lid was about to blow.  _"I will never forgive you."_

No. He didn't get to be mad at her for saving his life. For helping him get the mental help he needed. 

He didn't get to be mad for doing what Leia would've wanted her to do. To get help for her son. 

To get help for the man that she...

No...

Tears started to drip onto the empty styrofoam bowl that Finn had given her. "Rey? Are you okay?"

"I..." The anger had to come out some time. Instead, she felt herself becoming lightheaded, her shoulders relaxing and she couldn't help it. She couldn't help the limpness in her body as everything just gave out. 

* * *

 

Rey woke up in her room, a bottle of water next to her and Luke at her bedside. He said nothing to her. 

He just held her hand. 

 


	19. t o l d y o u s o

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I hate to say I told you so,"- Told You So, Paramore

 

 

 

>  Our ends are all frayed and split, how can we repair them?

The weeks go by and every day Rey asks Luke about Ben's condition at the mental hospital. Every day he says soon, and makes her take her meds before going to sleep for a few hours and helping her bathe herself after if she so needed it.

Today Rey was done waiting for him to tell her, she woke up and got dressed, calling Finn to come get her before Luke had even come to take care of her for the day. 

The anger she felt at Ben still permeated her mind, making life a lot less enjoyable than it already was. 

It took about an hour for Finn to get there, but when he did he seemed to be very understanding of the words, "Everything's a fucking mess and I need a drink."

"My friend's Jess and Rose are throwing a party tonight. Want to come?"

"Oh, you know other females except for me?" She teased. 

"Okay, Jess is Poe's friend, and Rose is an acquaintance, but she's cool. I think you'll like each other, there will be alcohol and shitty karoake. It's only us. Come on."

"The answer is hell yes," Rey said. Finn didn't mention what happened a few weeks ago and she was glad of that. She didn't want to talk about being sick or the fact that her estimated time left was declining at a very high and alarming rate, she just wanted to be a normal teen. 

 _Dear Finn,_ she thought to herself,  _thank you for making life normal. For making it enjoyable._ Rey buckled, passing the trees in Finn's car and feeling content again. 

"Chocolate?" He pulled out a Kit Kat. 

"Thanks."

 

* * *

 

Ben arrived at Luke's house a little later than expected, but he was okay with that, he was already dreading moving in with the man but it also delayed him from seeing Rey. From having to face her. 

He went into his room. 

There was nothing sharp. Just a desk, with a schedule of all the pills he needed to take, a bed with a comforter and a piano. 

At least he had some source of entertainment. Luke had explained to him that he would let Ben have more stuff in his room when he was sure he was mentally sound and regularly took his medication before going over to tell Rey that he was home.

He mentally prepared for what was going to go down. 

He wasn't sure he could. 

* * *

 

There were few things that Rey knew in this world. 

  1. She was going to die in a year, and there was nothing she could do about it. She felt it about to happen. 
  2. She might never talk to her first best friend again, and she was okay with that. 
  3. She was drunk as fuck.



With the mix of liquor and no medication, Rey was tipsy and singing at the top of her lungs around a camp fire with Poe and Finn and two people she barely knew. She leaned against Poe, his arm around her waist to keep her in the seat. They went through several Johnny Cash songs, including Ring of Fire, before the angsty teen songs started being belted out. 

Rey had never sang so much in her life. She moved closer to Poe, his warmth and sturdiness keeping her awake.

"Okay, okay. This has been great." Rose slurred. "We should do something really shitty now. Like playing spin the bottle." They all got up, starting to go to Jessika's porch, and Poe helped Rey up. 

"I've never kissed anyone before," she whispered in his ear. 

"It'll be fine," he said. "No one is gonna expect you to be good. You want to know why?"

"Why?"

"Because we're all drunk," He whispered. 

She giggled as they headed to the porch, Jess setting an empty Corona bottle on the ground. Rey had to admit she was a little too excited for this. It wouldn't count as her first kiss, but maybe it would teach her a thing or two. 

* * *

 

 Ben had never heard Luke cuss so loudly in his life. "What's wrong?" He asked as Luke paced the living room, a note in one hand and a phone in the other. "Luke-?"

"She's not home," 

"What?"

"Rey isn't at her house and she hasn't taken her meds," He said. He handed Ben the note and focused on his phone. "She won't pick up the phone."

_Dear Luke,_

_Due to me being a melodramatic bitch, I'm going out to a party. Yes, I know that my new extensive medication regimine requires me to stay at home most of the time but I need to get out of here. It's suffocating. Thinking about him is suffocating. Don't worry about me._

_\- Rey_

_"Shit,"_ Ben had an idea of where she was, running out the door and starting Luke's car before the man had any idea what was going on. What was so convinient about Rey's friends was the fact that they all seemed to live around the same area, hopefully nothing bad had happened. "Shit, shit, shit." Hopefully he would get there in time. 

* * *

They had all sat in a circle on Jessika's porch, Rey and Poe sitting a little too close together, and Finn leaning his head on Poe's other shoulder. "So everyone knows how to play right, you spin and whoever it points to you have to kiss."

"Yeah, yeah... Jess get on with it." Rose said. Everyone giggled as she got on her knees and spun the bottle. 

Rose. 

They went in for it, and Rey wasn't sure why she expected it to be something pathetic either. She was sure that they used tongue for about five seconds before Rose pulled away, blushing. 

Rose spun the bottle. It was somewhere inbetween Poe and Finn. She spun again. Finn. "Can you stomach kissing a girl?" She asked. 

"I'm bisexual, of course I can." They didn't hold it as long as Jess had, but this made Rey a little less nervous. 

It was her turn. She looked to Poe, perhaps trying to find a way to get out of it. But he nudged her and she did. 

It spun stronger than she expected. 

It landed on Poe. 

* * *

 

 No one answered the front door of Jessika's house, so Ben jumped the back fence. He wasn't in the right head space, he could admit that freely. 

He didn't want to do this.

He heard a lot of drunk laughter and for a second, he thought Rey was okay. 

Rey was okay. 

She was... Ben saw them on the back porch, and he saw Rey clearly. She was kissing Poe. It wasn't just the kiss on the forehead that both Finn and Poe gave everyone. 

This was something completely different.

Ben saw red. 

"What the fuck," he didn't remember getting to the porch and he didn't remember shoving Poe off of her. "Don't fucking touch her," 

"Ben?" Rey slurred. "Ben, what the hell? Ben, stop!" He took a step back. 

"How did you get back here?" Jess yelled. 

Rey turned to Jessika. "I'll take care of this," She reassured her before yanking Ben's arm into a different direction, off of the porch. She kept walking until they were both out on the driveway. 

"Why did you do that?"

"Why? Because we were playing a stupid-"

"I thought that maybe we had something going between us." Rey stopped in her tracks. "What?"

"I said I thought we had something," Ben wasn't sure if she was horrified, disgusted or confused. She stood there, trying to form words but was evidently too mad to say anything, or too drunk. 

"You murdered those chances when you told me that you would never forgive me for calling that ambulance..."

"What?"

"You don't remember do you? Huh. Well you said that, so I decided I wanted to get drunk and forget about you. It almost worked too." She stumbled a little bit. "You broke me," Rey told him. " You broke it,"

"Broke what?"

"My heart. And listen Ben, I know that you lost your mother, and I'm sorry about that. I miss her too. Everyone does. But some of the shit you've done..." Her sentence stopped in her tracks when she visibly gagged. Ben held her as she turned to throw up on the concrete. He waited while she retched. 

When she was done, all she said was, "Take me home."

* * *

 The car ride was silent for the first five minutes, and Ben thought Rey was falling asleep. "I thought we had something," She giggled. "It's funny it took you this long to acknowledge that...  Huh... Funny."

"So you agree?"

Rey rolled her eyes. 

"Rey?"

"You're funny." She slurred. "You know what else is funny?" The girl paused, waiting for him to respond. 

He stared at the road for a minute, before saying, "What?"

"Went to the doctor when I was six, they told me I would die at ten. I didn't die at ten. Went to the doctor at twelve, they told me that I would die at fifteen. I'm sixteen now. Went to the doctor last week... He said I had a year. At the most. And this time I could feel it. I could feel death. For some fucked up reason, I didn't care in that moment. But it's coming. And I'm scared." Ben stopped the car out on a vacant street. "What?"

"You heard me," She said. "A year at the most."


	20. c a n ' t h e l p f a l l i n g

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh please, don't ask me how I've been, don't ask me to pretend..."-Fake Happy, Paramore

It's a few days before Ben goes to see Rey, and he knows he has a lot to apologize for, but he wasn't sure that she would forgive him. How could she forgive him? He knocked on the door and waited. No response. Another knock. Nothing. 

Maybe she got sick and couldn't get to the door. Ben turned over the welcome mat and found a spare key, opening the door, "Rey?"

He walked up to her bedroom to see the girl deep in concentration, focusing extremely hard on the jawline of some man with what looked like a laurel on his head. She sighed, her shoulders tensing as she noticed Ben was behind her. "What?"

"I wanted to talk. Can we do that?"

"I don't know. Can we?"

"Rey... I... I acted stupid." It was a start. Ben didn't know how he could fix what came between them. "And I'm really sorry about that, about hurting Poe, about what I said to you." She was silent, her brush still running over the canvas as he talked. "I didn't mean it, and I should have never said it, and I don't... I can't lose you. You're way too important to me," Rey stopped painting when she heard him start to cry, setting her paintbrush down by her side. She turned around in her seat. 

"I understand that you were grieving Ben. So I can't really hold you too accountable for everything you said. But... That doesn't absolve you of everything."

"I know. And I would rather you be pissed at me. I deserve it," She almost smiled at that, "I'm a fucking dick," He sat down on her bed, staring into her eyes. They were both silent for what seemed like hours before Ben asked, "You told me... That you had a year left... Is that true?" She nodded. He hated it. Wished that she had just been babbling because she was drunk. She didn't look like she was dying. "What can I do?"

 "What can you do for me?" She cocked her head to the side. "Ben, you can't stop dying."

"I know... I know but... What can I do to make these last few months as comfortable as possible? To make sure you enjoy everything." He tried not to look her in the eye, he didn't want her to see him cry anymore than he'd already shown her. 

"You can leave," she said. 

"What?"

"You can leave and go to therapy," she turned back to her canvas. "And don't come back until you get your shit figured out." Ben bit his lip. 

"Rey," 

"If you ever had feelings for me you'll take care of yourself, Ben." Her voice broke as she said this. 

_She's doing you a favor, Ben. You have to repay her._

* * *

_**Three Months Later** _

 

Finn and Rey sat on the couch and her living room in silence. He had a blanket covering them both as they watched the Twilight Zone together, Rey had been considerably weaker over the past few weeks, but she hadn't gotten the courage to tell Finn what was going on. 

She had a feeling he already knew though. "Finn?" Her breathing was heavier, and she felt more light headed, more dizzy. She shut her eyes. 

"Do you need something?"

"No, I just... I wanted to say thank you for being a great friend," Rey told him, "I mean, you're just... The best anyone could hope for. And I don't know if I say thank you enough," She said. He kissed her on the forehead. 

"I think your thank yous go without saying," He said. "Do you need anything?"

"No. Just stay here. Please." They didn't talk, they didn't need to.

"Rey," 

"Yes?" 

"I hope you know I love you," 

She giggled and sighed, "I love you too Finn," Her eyelids started to close. "I love you too." 

* * *

Ben kept playing, sweat dripping from his brow, he kept playing. The music notes were coming to him from somewhere else, somewhere different. This time he wasn't nervous or playing because of love, he wasn't even numb. There was an inexorable feeling of rage in his stomach. 

There were no sheets of music, nothing to guide him, he felt like he was slashing around at some monster in the dark, something that he would never defeat. And when he was done, when he was done there was still nothing inside him, but he was out of breath. He remembered the heat of the lights on him when he performed. "Hey," He jumped, and looked up, seeing his mother. 

"Mom," 

"Don't look so surprised, idiot. Move over." He moved over on the bench. Her eyes, that kindness was something that he thought he would never see again. "We need to talk," Ben was about to open his mouth but then closed it, she ran her fingers through his hair. "My beautiful boy," She said, "I love you so much." Both of them had tears in their eyes. "I'm so sorry that I left you, it isn't your fault, I know you feel like it is. It's not. There are things that you can't control in this world and... what happened was one of them." 

"I miss you," 

"I know," Light twinkled down on the both of them, Ben's chest felt light for the first time in a while. "I know you do, and I'm sorry." 

"It's not your fault,"

She hugged him and Ben closed his eyes. "I know things are hurting," She said, "I know you feel like a failure, but you aren't, you are not a failure." He could feel her going. He knew he was never going to see her again, she was going to be gone forever after this. 

"I love you," 

"I know." 

When she was gone he was sitting on the bench, alone, Luke entered in from the other room. "That was beautiful," He said, "You get better each time you play," Ben smiled, but didn't say anything about what had just happened. "Have you composed anything by yourself yet?" 

"No," He said, "That takes... talent that I don't have." 

"You underestimate yourself, Ben." 

"I was going to go over to Rey's later," He changed the subject, not really wanting to talk to his uncle, "See how she was doing. Tell her about  _things.."_ Yes, things, including everything that had happened in the last three months, school coming to an end and of course, the thing that he dreaded asking about, the thing that he was sure he wasn't even going to go to until Poe blackmailed him into doing it. The dance. 

It was a few months away, but Rey had never been to one before, and although it might be a shitty experience to him it would be different for her. 

" _Things?_ " Luke asked. 

"Yeah, things." 

"Would any of these things have anything to do with asking her out?" Ben had gotten up off the seat and started walking towards the door. 

"What?" 

"I asked if any of these things had to do with asking her out?" 

Escape... 

"Uh, no. What are you talking about?" 

His hand wrapped around the doorknob as he started heading out in to the street. "No, it... I don't like Rey like that." 

"You got back into piano because she guilt tripped you into it, you used to go to her house every day, and one time when you were little you talked about how good she was at drawing for about three hours." 

"Pssht, that doesn't mean I like- She's- bye." He closed the door behind him and started walking briskly to Rey's house, praying to god Luke wouldn't come after him and have a conversation with him.

Rey was sitting on the porch swing Ben had seen Poe set up for her, in a yellow dress, with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She smiled when she saw Ben. "Hey," 

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing much, just wanted some fresh air." She patted the space next to her and he sat down hesitantly, letting her ease into him as she leaned her body into his. "I missed you,"

"I... I missed you too." He said. They were both silent for a minute before Ben told her, "What you said to me... I've been thinking about it a lot, trying to get my shit together. I needed it,"

"Your shit's together now?"

"Yeah," 

"That's great,"

"What's been up with you?" She shrugged, and said nothing. Ben knew that wasn't a good sign. He could see her throat catch when he asked that question. He wanted to press hard, knowing how persistent Rey could be, but he figured now was not the time.

"School's ending soon for you isn't it?"

"Yeah," He prayed to god he wasn't going to start sweating, especially when Rey was laying on him. "And they're holding this stupid summer dance thing, and they keep talking about it, it's getting pretty annoying..." 

Maybe this could lead somewhere good, Ben doubted it though. "Oh?" 

"Yeah, I lost a bet with Poe so I have to go." He was practically eating his foot now, Rey was gonna think he didn't want to go  _the way he wanted the two of them to go._

"I would love to go," Rey said. Ben felt like he had just had all the air sucked out of him. 

"I hadn't even asked yet," 

"I knew you were going to, Finn told me about the dance earlier." She giggled. "Said Poe wanted you to get me to go,"  _He was going to kill those two bastards._ "I'll pretend I didn't say that I'd go though." She got up from laying on his chest and sat back in the swing as they rocked back and forth on the porch. "So this dance is probably pretty lame, right." 

"Oh, yeah. Totally. They make all the fucking decorations out of cardboard and it looks like three year olds made it." The sarcasm was pouring out of him right now, "But you know... Poe really wants me to go... and I need a date to go with..." 

"Hmm..."

"Like a date, date." This part was serious. Rey raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. Ben dropped the sarcasm. "A girlfriend," That wasn't subtle at all, but he decided now was going to be his only chance to tell Rey how he actually felt about her. How, she was the reason that he wasn't scared of getting up on stage in front of people anymore, how without her he probably wouldn't have gone anywhere, might've ended up in that bathtub without any friends to miss him. "You said you had feelings for me, and I have feelings for you and I think that we should... we shouldn't ignore them." He said. Rey's eyes softened when she stared at him, observing every fidgeting move of his body. "You... you are the best part of my life... and I think that you need to know that. As long as I've known you, you've been such a wonderful beam of hope in my life. You've been the person that I've always wanted to impress, always strived to be better for, and it's always been that way. Even from the day I first met you, when you asserted yourself into being my friend, I was just in wonder of you. And not just wonder, I have always... I don't know how to explain it... connected with you? I guess... When I'm with you I feel like I can be myself... and I appreciate you for getting on to me about shit too. I really do... and I..." Rey's eyes were starting to tear up as she listened to him rant, her hand was clasped over her mouth as if she was trying to keep something in. "I... want to be with you for as long as possible." 

Rey wiped her eyes, sniffed, and then cleared her throat at that. "Wow," She said. "I really... wow..." Ben wasn't sure if that was good or bad. He was hoping for good. "Well I... wow..." She started crying, plunging herself into Ben as hard as she could. Ben was afraid they were going to break the screen. "You're more than air to me, you're the first reason I wake up and the morning and say, I'm going to live." The both of them were crying now, and Ben hadn't exactly planned it like that. It just happened. The tears in their eyes ruining each others shirts. Eventually, Rey had wore herself out, and Ben picked her up. She laughed quietly, trying to keep herself awake. "You don't have to do that," 

"Yes I do," He said. "I'm gonna get you something to eat, and your pills. We can spend the rest of the night in together." 

"That sounds great," Rey said. He set her down on the couch, glad that there was a pillow that he only had to adjust slightly to make her comfortable. She closed her eyes and he smiled, looking down on her.

"Stay awake, sweetheart. The night's not over."  


	21. Preparation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mel·an·chol·y  
> ˈmelənˌkälē/Submit  
> noun  
> 1.  
> a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause.  
> "an air of melancholy surrounded him"

Maybe it was the anticipation of death that absolved Rey of most of her anger with Ben, there was no point in staying mad at him, there was no point in denying anything with him. Most of that had fallen to the side as they curled under the covers, Rey snuggling up next to him. "You're like a damn heater Ben Solo,"

"Is that a good thing?"

"Yes," She said. "I'm cold," Rey bit her lip, trying to stifle something in. 

"Rey?"

"Hmm?"

"What's wrong?" Her muscles had seemed to tense as she hugged on to him, her eyes closed shut. "Rey... What's wrong?" She looked like she was in pain. 

"I..."

"I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong,"

"Pain," was all she was able to get out before gasping. Rey let out a sob and squirmed. "Cramp in my leg. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He got up, pulling the blanket off of the both of them. "I'm sorry,"

"Stop. Which leg?"

"Left," She turned, and Ben looked behind him, glad to see some lotion behind him. Ben slathered the vanilla-mint scented lotion on his hands and got to work. "Fuck," Rey cried. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. God I'm sorry,"

"Why do you keep saying that?" The knot in Rey's leg was considerably big for a girl of her size. "You don't need to say that, you didn't do anything wrong."

"I'm... pathetic... You shouldn't have to be doing this." Ben sighed when he heard this. This girl was too hard on herself. 

"It's my pleasure," he started kneading a particularly hard spot. "Holy fuck, no wonder you're crying. Jesus Rey. I'd be in pieces right now." It loosened a little, but Ben knew that he still had a lot of work to do. 

She gripped the side of her pillow, biting her lip. She had stopped her crying, and Ben watched as the girl's breathing got heavier and heavier. Her muscles relaxed, and finally after what seemed like an hour, the knot was out. Rey was asleep. Ben sighed, falling back on the pillow next to her. He pulled her close to his chest, glad that he could feel her heart beating. 

_Glad that they were finally so close to each other._

He put his arms around her, and closed his eyes.  

"G'night, Rey."

* * *

 

When Ben woke up, Rey wasn't next to him. He looked around frantically for a minute before he heard the faucet sink running, he opened the door and walked over to the bathroom to find her brushing her teeth. She spat and then smiled. "Hey sleepyhead."

"Hey," He yawned. "You're up."

"Yeah," She rinsed off her toothbrush and set it in it's holder. "Had to take my meds. Luke's downstairs. He was concerned when you didn't come home last night." She raised an eyebrow. 

"W...what did you tell him?"

"I told him we slept together,"

"WHAT? Rey-?"

"I'm kidding... I told him we cuddled. You helped me with a really bad knot in my leg and we fell asleep shortly after. I didn't tell him anything else."

"Good. I was about to have a heart attack." He laughed nervously, running his fingers through his hair. The smell of bacon wafted up the stairway, and it seemed at that moment, the both of them realized they were very, very hungry. "Food,"

 "Food," Rey agreed. 

The two of them had rushed downstairs in a matter of seconds. "Hey Uncle,"

"Hello, I trust you had a good rest, Ben." Ben visibly reddened and Rey punched him in the arm. 

"Ow!"

"Nerd," She went over to the table to sit down, a wide grin on her face that Ben hadn't seen in a while. 

"You're a nerd," His retaliation was lame, to say the least. "A painting nerd,"

"You're a nerd nerd." Luke rolled his eyes and sat out two plates of eggs, bacon, clementine oranges. "Are you not eating with us?" Rey asked. 

"I don't think I can handle much more sap from the two of you," He said. 

Ben was glad when he was out of the house. He sat across from Rey,  starting to scarf down his food. He noticed that Rey was a lot slower than she usually was, still leaving some egg and oranges on her plate. "Are you done?"

"Yeah," She said, "You want the rest?" She sounded out of breath when she spoke. Ben looked down at his own plate and realized that he had already cleared it. He nodded and ate the rest as she watched. Rey was still smiling, but she looked sadder this time. 

* * *

 

Rey wished that there was more time. She wanted to be here for Ben all the time, and she knew that that wasn't possible. _God, she wanted to cry._ It was her fault for thinking about it when all he was doing was finishing her food for her. "You okay?" 

"Yeah," She said. "Just tired,"

"We don't have to go out anywhere today," He said. Ben moved quickly to the sink to put his plate in, and then back to the table. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know....watch something...dance?"

"You want to dance?"

"I don't really know how to... So yeah... That would be nice." She pursed her lips together and dug her nails into the cushion of her chair. 

It only took a few seconds for Ben to go to his car and pick up a small bluetooth speaker and bring it back to into the living room. "What song do you want?"

"You're the music snob, you pick something." Rey shrugged. 

"Um, I am not a music snob."

"Ben," She raised an eyebrow, "Pick something,"

* * *

  _Should he risk it?_ "Do you want a slow song?"

"Sure,"

He put on Elvis' Can't Stop Falling In Love and Rey got up from her seat on the couch. "Come a little closer," He said. Ben put his hands at her waist as the song started to play. "You seem nervous,"

"I haven't done this before," She admitted. 

"Well you kinda just sway, its not that hard. There, you're getting the hang of it." He could feel her breath on his skin and his heart beat hard. Rey was humming along with the lyrics, a small smile on her face, it was like she was in some sort of eternal state of happiness. 

He wanted her to always be in that place. 

Ben started humming along too as they swayed, and when the song was over, he wished that it wasn't. They broke apart as he unhooked his phone from the speaker. "Um... So yeah... That's basically the dancing and all that and I'm sure you'll be great at it." Rey had moved to sit down, looking winded. "You okay?"

 "Yeah," She said, "Totally, I just..." She closed her eyes, "it's hot in here you know? Hard to breath," 

"Oh... Okay... Um... What do you need?"

"Water maybe? Can you go turn the air down, the thermostat is at the foot of the stairs."

"Okay, can do." Ben followed her orders, coming back with water and a silly straw he found in one of her cabinets. She looked up, smiling when she saw it. "Take a sip, babe." His smirk made her smile, she took a sip, and he set the water down. "Let's just rest, okay? I don't want you passing out or anything,"

"I'm sorry we couldn't dance more,"

"It's fine, Rey. I'm just glad to be here with you,"

"Aw, you're gonna make me cry."

"Don't," Ben said. "So, what do you want to do?"

"I want to hear you play something on the piano,"

"You don't have a piano here,"

"Sucks, doesn't it?" She asked, "not being able to showcase your mastery of the musical arts in front of your girlfriend." Ben started blushing. "You have been practicing, right?"

"Yes," That wasn't a lie. 

He did. For her. 

"That's good. You should perform again,"

"I might. When the time comes, but that's not we're focusing on right now. What do you want to do?" Rey laid down, her head plopping down in Ben's lap. 

"Can you sing something to me?" 

"What?"

"Can you sing something to me? Please." Her eyes were already starting to close. 

There was one thing about Rey that Ben hated, besides her failing health, and the pain he couldn't protect her from. It was the fact that he could never say no to her. 

"Okay, Rey. I'll sing to you."

"Yay,"

_"I'm lying on the moon, my dear, I'll be there soon, it's a quiet and starry place, time's we're swallowed up, in space we're here a million miles away, there's things I wish I knew, there's no thing I'd keep from you, it's a dark and shiny place, but with you my dear_   
_I'm safe and we're a million miles away,_

_We’re lying on the moon, it's a perfect afternoon, your shadow follows me all day_   
_Making sure that I'm okay and we’re a million miles away.."_

* * *

 Rey could feel pain tensing up in her abdomen and legs, but she didn't tell Ben what was going on, that would be for later. For the moment she just listened to the sound of his voice as he played with her hair. 

The feeling was almost enough to put her pain at bay. 

Almost.

 


	22. a l i t t l e m e l o d y

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you drink all my thoughts? Because I can't stand them..."--Intertwined, Dodie Clarke

Rey remembered the days when she could stay happy,  even if she was sick. The days her grandfather was still alive.  _God, how she wished her grandfather were still alive._ She needed to ask him what to do about Ben. How do you love someone when you know you're going to die. "Rey," Luke was next to her hospital bed.

She looked up and smiled, "Hey." 

"I still think it's a mistake to not tell Ben about this, I think it's a mistake to not tell anyone about this in general." She knew where the old man was coming from, that he only wished the best for his sister's son. "I can't. Not after everything. It's not the right time." She said.

"You fell down the stairs, what am I supposed to tell him when he wants to go visit you?"  _Lie._ She thought. "You know that he's going to want to visit you, that's the favorite part of his day." Her head was pounding. 

"I'm tired," She looked towards the nurse who was about ready to leave the room. "My head hurts."

"I'll bring you some pain medicine, Miss. But you're not allowed to go to sleep until we're sure you don't have a concussion okay?" 

"I know," 

"Good." The nurse left and Rey looked back at Luke.

"Tell him that I'm in the hospital for an overnight thing. Tell him it's just a study but I'm not allowed visitors. I'll be back soon." Luke shook his head in dismay.

"And what if you have to stay longer?"

"I'm sure you'll think of something."

* * *

 

Ben had been playing for hours again. 

He couldn't see Rey until tomorrow, so this was the only thing that could keep him company. Luke told him that his playing had become more mature than it ever had. 

His notes were something else. 

It was astonishing that he could do this all from his head. 

Ben guessed it was his way of breathing when Rey wasn't there. It had been when he had been away from her. 

At some point he'd been told to go to bed, he stayed up. The fan blowing in the background as he stared at the ceiling. 

_He had remembered prom... with prom came the count down._

"God--" Ben's voice cracked as the realization hit him like he'd been hit in the ribs with a crowbar. Rey wasn't at the hospital for what Luke had said.

The both of them lied. Ben got out of bed and bolted out the door. Soon he was in the street, and he kept running, only clad in pajama pants, a tank top, and some socks. 

It had been raining, his socks were getting soaked, but he didn't care. He passed the magnolia trees, but there were no magnolias... No magnolias. He ran faster. Passing the school, and several houses, everything was going so fast that he almost forgot to breathe. 

By the time he remembered, he stopped somewhere new. The hospital was only a few blocks away, he knew that, but he was sure the intersection wasn't there before. New stores. A bunch of cars passing in and out... 

"Ben!" The boy turned around to see Finn and Poe in their car, waiting for the light. 

"What are you doing?" They were close enough out that Poe leaned his head out the window to talk to him. 

"I need... to get to the hospital..."

Poe almost turned white. 

"Rey?"

"Yeah..."

"Get in," Ben got in the back of the car and they started driving. 

"You know it's five in the morning," Finn said. "No one is gonna be awake yet." 

"Do you know what's the matter with Rey?"

"No... My uncle said she was there for a sleep study and that's it but he's lying... I know he is."

"Are you sure?" Poe asked. 

Ben raised an eyebrow as they started driving, "Do you live with him?" 

"I get it... But listen buddy, you need to calm down. Do you know why he would lie?"

"Because Rey told him to."

"Right? She wanted to protect you."

"Rey shouldn't want that..."

"Well she does. You want to know why? She loves you kid. Even though you're a jackass, she loves you to pieces. She wants you to live, to not worry about her. If you worry about her then in her mind you won't really be living. You got that?" That sounded exactly like Rey's line of thinking. Ben couldn't open his mouth to retort, to tell him he was wrong, when he wasn't. 

* * *

 

Rey felt the most relaxed she had felt in awhile, and she wasn't sure if it was because she managed to drift off several times, or it was because of the pain medicine she had been given for her head. 

_"You wanted to talk to me," Rey looked to her side to see her grandfather to the side of her, but younger, much younger. She nodded and he leaned forward a little in his seat, listening._

_"How did you do it, Grandpa?"_

_"Do what?"_

_"How did you love me when you knew I was going to die...?"_

_His smile... She had missed that smile so much. "My dear, we're all going to die at some point or another. It's the sad truth of life."_

_"It's unfair."_

_"I know, I know it's unfair, and you've been dealt an unfair hand from the beginning, but you've been so strong, and I don't think that I could be any prouder of you. Now tell me why you asked this question?"_

_"Ben..."_

_"Ben loves you. I see. And you're scared because you don't want to hurt him?"_

_"Yeah," Obi Wan got up and stood next to her bed. "Well that's normal. I never wanted to leave you."_

_"I didn't want to leave you... Or Ben either." Rey looked to her side to see Leia. "You two kids have been through a lot, but I want you to know something Rey. You have given my kid a power that I don't think he would have without meeting you. You gave him the power to bounce back. When it happens it will hurt... probably equally for the both of you... but don't worry about him getting better, because he will."_

When Rey woke up, Ben was staring at her from the door. "Hey," He tried to smile, but she could see him trying to hold back the fact that he was scared. She looked at him from top to bottom. 

"You're in your pajamas?"

"Long story," He said sheepishly. "What happened?"

"Long story," Rey replied.

"Rey,"

"It's honestly embarassing," She said. 

"I don't care," 

Rey closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in and a deep breath out. "I fell down the stairs,"

"What?" Ben's eyes widened, but when he realized he had freaked out, he calmed himself down. 

"It wasn't too much. Just the last three steps. I sort of just laid there. I mean... I couldn't breathe for a minute. I'm lucky Luke was there, he picked me up and took me to the hospital. They said that I didn't have a concussion but they wanted to monitor me for the night. What time is it?"

"Six forty."

"Ben,"

"What?"

"You snuck in here before visitor hours?"

"I had to see you."

"Yeah but you can get in trouble for that!" She hissed.

"It's worth it," Ben came forward and kissed Rey on the forehead. She giggled. "One question," he asked when he pulled away, "are you sure you'll be okay for the dance?"

"Yes," She said. "I will be,"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I wouldn't miss it for the world."

"I'll see you in a few hours."

"Love you." Ben stopped at the door and looked back, the biggest grin on his face Rey had ever seen. 

"I love you too."


	23. L a y M e G e n t l y

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All we see is sky for forever...

It was the day that Rey got out of the hospital and she seemed to be doing a lot better than she had been just a day before. She got in the back seat of Luke's car and they drove home for the most part in silence. When they got to the couch in her house and Luke got her a glass of water he said, "Ben has one more hour left of school and then he'll be home." Rey nodded and took the glass from him. The glass nearly slipped from her hand but Luke caught it. He didn't say anything about it, but Rey could tell it alarmed him. 

"Listen, we need to talk." He let her take a sip of water before setting it to the side and sitting down next to her. Rey knew what he was going to say, and she didn't want to hear any of it.  "You're not getting healthier."

"I'm going to the dance with Ben and trying to persuade me to not go is futile." 

"Rey, I'm sure that Ben would understand if it meant prolonging..." Luke's breath caught. He made a weird noise, like he was trying to stop himself from crying. 

"Prolonging what? My death?"

He didn't say anything hut they both knew that was exactly what he meant. "Luke I wrote a will years ago. I have  _always_ been anticipating my death. It's going to happen and there's nothing I can do about it. Nothing you can do about it. Nothing Ben can do about it. Now I understand, you're scared, I am too."

 

They were silent again before Rey started crying. Luke pulled her in for a hug. "I know I haven't been the best guardian to you," He said, "but god damn it Rey, I hope you know that I've always loved you as if you were one of my own."

"I love you too, and I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He said. "Just rest until Ben gets home."

* * *

 When Ben got to Rey's house she was waiting for him on the couch. As soon as she saw him she got up and ran towards him, a bunch of green fabric in her hands. "Ben!" She met him full force with a hug. 

"Hey, what's up?"

"I bought a dress for the dance!" She pulled away from him and let the dress show in it's entirety. It looked comfortable, green with some tulle, but not so much that it would be uncomfortable. 

_God she would look so beautiful in it._

"It's pretty," he said. When he saw Rey's face he knew that wasn't the right answer. 

"What's wrong?" She asked. 

"Nothing... I just... I'm tired you know?" Rey put the dress down on the easy chair next to the door and pulled Ben closer. 

"Come on, music man. Something's wrong. Tell me what's wrong." He really didn't know what was wrong though. He'd been happy to see her, but when he did he'd remembered... Remembered what she said. It was too close to that time. Too close to that time. 

"I don't know if we should go to the dance..."

"What?"

"I mean. You just got out of the hospital."

"And I'm fine," She said. The both of them knew that was a lie, but Ben knew she would never admit to it. "Ben... I really want to do this. I really want to be with you. I've been looking forward to this."

 "Fine." Ben said. "Fine. But you're going to tell me the second you start getting tired, and we're going home. Okay?"

"Okay." She said. She pulled him down for a kiss and then lead him to the couch where he sat down, letting Rey lay on him. She closed her eyes and let his warmth sink into her. "You know," Rey said. "There's one more thing that I was thinking about..."

"What's that?"

"You haven't played piano for me in a while?"

"Oh?"

"You want me to play again?"

"Yeah... I kinda miss it."

"I will, after prom."

"Promise?"

"Yes. I promise." He told her. "I will play for you  again."

"Good," she sighed. "I'm tired now, though. Is it okay if I go to sleep?"

 Something pulled at Ben's heart, and he found himself trying to keep from tearing up. He closed his eyes and held her close. "Yes, Rey. You can sleep now."

* * *

 

There was a wall, made of smooth boulders in a line, and Rey stood on top of them. She was wearing large red rubber boots and a dark blue coat. She looked down and found a bright red string was tied around her finger. For a second it was very loose, but in the next it was pulled taut and Rey found herself walking forward carefully. 

It was so foggy that she could barely see in front of her. "Hello?" Rey called out. 

 "Hello?" Another voice called out. The voice a little girl. Rey looked down and to her side as she walked. A little girl wearing a white dress and the same red boots she was. "What are you doing up there?" The little girl ran alongside the wall that Rey walked on. 

"I don't really know..." She admitted. "Who are you?"

"I'm you..." The girl said. "I thought that you would know that."

"Why am I seeing you?"

"Because you're near the end..." She said. She was almost sad. "And you're scared but you don't want to admit it." 

"I'm not scared," Rey said. The string was loose for a second, but then pulled taut again. "I don't need this right now."

"Yes you do," She said. "I know you. I am you. I know you're scared. You don't want to leave him." 

She was right. 

"I haven't... I haven't lived yet."

"I know. And it's not fair."

"Not it's not,"

"You were cheated,"

"How do I come to terms with that? How do I stop being so... scared?" The little girl was silent. Rey looked to her side again, and she was gone. Rey was alone again. So she kept walking. 

She kept walking and for awhile she didn't know when she was going to stop. 

She was alone. 

The air was cold and pushing against her. She felt her muscles wearing down the more she walked. Rey remembered the snow. The second time in her life that she had came so close to death. Closer than a child should ever be. 

Rey remembered her grandfather crying and she remembered when Ben stopped coming over. 

All of this should have broken her.

She thought it would have broken her. Yet, she was still standing. Past the years she should have had. 

She had had more time than the doctors said she would. 

She exercised and painted and she stayed alive for him. 

But she wasn't sure that she could keep it up. She was so tired. She just wanted to sleep. 

"Rey," She looked to her side again. 

Her grandfather was there beside her. Looking up at her. Rey came to a full stop. "Grandpa,"

"Hello, darling."

"I..." Her throat caught. 

"You don't have to say anything." He said. The string pulled again and Rey wanted to start walking, but she did nothing. "Just listen, okay?"

"You know it's almost time."

"I haven't--"

"No, I want you to listen, okay? It's almost time. And... I would never wish this on you. Not now of all times, but you need to be ready. I know it's not fair. I know that you're afraid to leave him, but you can't prolong your own pain. When you feel its time to go, let go." He was gone. 

"Grandpa?"

No answer. 

She turned forward and kept walking, trying to keep tears from her eyes. She felt like she was walking forever. She was walking and no one was at the other end of this damn road. What cruel joke that would be. She felt so tired. 

Her muscles could barely move. She was out of breath and she wanted to stop, but she kept going. 

She kept going. She felt a hand on her back, another grabbing the back of her arm. She looked to her side. "Finn," Her breath almost caught. 

"Hey, peanut." They kept walking. "Heard you might need a little help,"

"Ever so thoughtful," she said. For a second she forgot was she was doing, and they were just walking in silence. Her mind was free, but of course, Finn brought her back down to Earth. 

"I want you to know... that I'm going to be sad if you go." Finn told her. She jolted around, about to open her mouth to say something, but Finn cut her off. "But I won't blame you for it. I'll be happy knowing that you're not in pain any more." Rey felt like she was going to cry. "Don't cry, peanut. I'm here. Here forever, even after the end." 

"I can't--" She wanted to stop walking. 

"No, you can. Keep walking." Suddenly Finn was gone, and Rey was walking again. She didn't know why she was still walking, what was even the point of it all? Why? Why was she walking when there was no end to it all, when she hadn't gotten anywhere near to reaching the end of this goddamn string? 

_End it._

_Just end it._

_You're in pain just end it._

_Pain is never going to stop until you just stop._

_No one's going to blame you for stopping._

"I'll blame myself for stopping," She told herself. "I can't," She cried. Rey felt the string tug again, but this time it seemed like she was getting closer to the thing on the other end of the string. "Hello?" She called out again. She could make out the outline of another person. 

"Hello?" Another voice calls. It's Ben. She takes off running. 

"Ben!" 

"Rey!" He's running too, and Rey doesn't even remember that she's out of breath. She runs in to him and he stops her from falling. She looks up at him. "I'm here," He says. "I'm here." 

* * *

 

It's the night of the dance and Ben is waiting for Rey at the edge of the stairs, sweating himself nervous. Poe  is there at the side of the stairs with him, "Dude, come on. Could you look any more nervous than you are right now?" Poe laughs. Ben rolls his eyes and looks away from him, "Listen, Finn's almost done with her, and she's gonna look great, I promise," 

"I know she's gonna look great, that's the problem." 

Poe laughed, and Ben tried to laugh at his own ridiculousness as well. Luke was waiting there too, silently as he usually was. 

They all paused for a second when Ben's phone started to ring. He paused again, and then answered with an awkward, "This is Ben Solo, how may I help you?" 

* * *

 

Rey walked down the stairs to see Ben at bottom of the stairs looking nervous. Finn helped her down, "Rey!" Ben's voice cracked a little and everyone paused, laughing. Rey didn't, she let out a little smile but kept her eyes on Ben. "You look great," 

"You look great too," Rey said. 

Another awkward pause. 

"Okay, enough awkwardness year." Poe interrupted them. "Picture time." Rey remembered going through a whirlwind of poses and pictures that Luke took, before he handed the camera over to Ben and told him something under his breath. After that they were out the door and sailing down the hallway towards the school. Rey's heart was racing, but she wrote it off as butterflies in her stomach. This was the last thing that she was sure that she wanted to do. One of the last things she wanted to check off her list with Ben. "Reeeeeyyyy," Poe called. She snapped out of whatever spell she was in. 

"What?" 

"I was asking if you're going to dance some slow dances with Ben," Poe was in the passenger seat leaning over, and Ben pushed him back into the seat properly. 

"There's already been one accident asshole, we don't need another." 

"That was uncalled for." 

"It's true," Finn said. Poe stuck out his tongue and quickly turned his attention back to Rey. 

"So?" 

"Yeah, I mean... it'll be embarrassing but I'll try." 

 "Not a dancer?" 

"No," 

"Believe me neither is Ben," 

"Fuck off!" 

 For a while, she laughed. Even though she knew that they were trying to make her laugh on purpose. It seemed to work for the most part. They stopped and went in to the school, and Rey could already hear the music outside the building. The inside was practically glowing purple, and she was mesmerized. Finn and Poe paired up together and Ben took Rey's hand. "Are you okay?" He asked. 

"Yeah," She said. "Just... a little nervous." 

"Me too," He admits, "I was never one for dances, but... I've always wanted to come here with you." 

"We're here now," 

"We're here now," Rey agreed. They head towards the building and open the doors. Rey thought that she had stepped into a different world. Everything was filled with stars and lights that sparkled. "It's so pretty," She says. Ben looks over at her when he thought she wasn't looking, "Yes it is," 

Rey turned around, smiling as the music boomed over the gymnasium. "Let's get dancing shall we?" 

* * *

 

 Ben was sure that he was going to cry every single time he looked at Rey. He felt like he was going to cry when he thought about the phone call. How was he going to tell her-? 

_He got a call from Julliard._

_They want him to play piano._

_They were coming down for scouting in a day in a half._

_He agreed._

_It was so fast he didn't know how to process it._

"Ben?"

"Huh," 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah... why?" He shouted over the booming music. 

"You look upset," She said. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I am." He shook it off as the song shifted and they were closer together. A slow dance. For a while they just swayed, silently. 

They seemed to know what each other was thinking, so they were silent. Holding each other as Elvis' Can't Stop Falling In Love played. Ben would never forget the moments like these. The moments where they were so close together that nothing else could get inbetween them. Nothing could touch them. They were so miniscule and small but he cherished them more than anything else. "There's something I want to ask you," Rey said. Her head was pressed against his chest and she was holding onto his waist. 

"Ask away," Ben said. 

"Did you stop playing piano to be around me more?" 

"Why are we talking about that here?" Ben asked. 

"It's just a question."

He paused, and then sighed. "Yeah... I know... I'm sorry."

"No don't be... Listen... I just wanted you to know that... I don't want you to ever stop playing piano okay?" He wanted to tell her so bad. 

"I won't," She didn't look up at him, but stumbled a little bit as the song ended. "Can we sit down for a while? I'm getting tired."

"Yeah, sure .. Of course.."

* * *

 

 Rey had sat down and Ben bought her some punch when she finally had the guts to ask him. "Spill it."

"What-?"

"You're holding something back, and you're gonna tell me or I'm gonna tell Finn and Poe that you sleep with stuffed animals."

"That's not true..."

"With everything you do? It wouldn't be out of character. Now come on. Tell me what's up." 

He smiled nervously, trying to delay whatever was coming up. "I was called for recruiting for Julliard. They're coming down here for recruiting and... I agreed to play." Rey's eyes perked up.

"Oh my god, that's great."

"But that doesn't guaruntee anything."

"I don't care, I'm proud of you." She giggled. "Why didn't you want to tell me?"

"Because if I get in... I'd have to leave." She stopped. This hadn't occured to her, Ben thought, because her face became very serious. 

"Ben,"

"Yes,"

"If you get in I want you to go,"

* * *

 They were both silent for a minute. Rey looked down at the tablecloth, and Ben down at his feet. Rey felt nauseous, and her head was beginning to spin. "Even if it means leaving you?" He asked. 

"Yeah," She closed her eyes, trying to keep the wave at nausea that was threatening to take over at bay. "Even if it means-" She couldn't hold it. Rey began to slump over as pain washed over her. 

"Rey!" Ben grabbed her as she felt a stinging pain in her chest. She didn't know what was happening. Her vision tunneled and she could hardly breathe. All she remembered was the music stopping. Shouting. Panicking.

Everything else was blurred.

She remembered Ben calling her name, and then everything went black.

* * *

 

She was having seizures. Something. Ben didn't know what to do. It took just a few seconds for Finn to come over to help hold her down. 

Someone called for an ambulance. 

It seemed like forever. 

Ben remembered seeing someone performing CPR and some other things before he was pushed back into the crowd, and just like that she was gone. She was in an ambulance and he wasn't in there with her. 

He wasn't there with her... 

 


	24. F i n d i n g Y o u

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know forever don't exist, but after this life I'll find you in the next, so when I say "Forever" it's the goddamn truth, I'll keep finding, finding you..." --Finding You, Kesha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written to three songs, which I thought made a very good closing to this fic. 
> 
> Finding You  
> Rainbow  
> Spaceship
> 
> all off the new Kesha album, 
> 
> I was thinking especially of Rainbow because I thought of it as a sort of message from Rey to Ben.  
> "You'll find a rainbow, rainbow, baby  
> Trust me, I know life is scary  
> But just put those colors on, girl  
> Come and play along with me tonight  
> You gotta learn to let go, put the past behind you..." Meaning everything will be okay. 
> 
> That's what this fic was started by. Not just by the fact that I liked Your Lie in April, but also because I lost someone very important to me nearly two years ago, and then my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, seeing her recover from that was awful and I started to fail in school and felt really suicidal and then I got diagnosed with cancer (I lied and said to a lot of people that I didn't have cancer, because I didn't want them to worry, I'm free of cancer by the way), I had a best friend betray my trust not once but three times and verbally abuse me and my other friends, and I went through one of the worst depressions of my life. I wanted to write a fic that was extremely hard to write but somewhat mirrored my experiences, and it was really cathartic to write too. 
> 
> At this moment, I think I am the happiest I have been in a while. And I know that happiness is a fleeting thing and I'm very emotional so it will never stay that way, but this fic has been so special to me and I'm glad it's coming to a close, because I'm finally coming to terms with everything that has happened to me in the past few years. 
> 
> I hope this fic helps you if you're going through a rough patch now, I'm not claiming it will, because I by no means am a perfect writer. 
> 
> Peace and see you with my next fic, The Bed's Getting Cold.

Ben burst through the hospital doors just minutes behind Rey, with Finn and Poe in tail. They did all the talking for him, and a lady directed them to a waiting room close to her where she had been taken into surgery. Finn and Poe sat down. Ben didn't. He was pacing around the room with his hands behind his head, trying to breath, trying to get the image of her strapped to that _stupid fucking gurney_ out of his head.  _Breathe, you need to breathe, you fucking useless idiot._ Finn was the first to get up, putting his hand on Ben's shoulder, Ben stopped, swiveling round to get Finn's hand off of him. "What?" He wasn't expecting a hug. Finn embraced Ben tightly, and sighed, before saying. 

"I'm so sorry." Ben stood there for a minute, waiting for it to be over, and then his anxiety got the best of him. He broke down and let Finn hug him. He stood there a minute, not sobbing, not able to do anything except try and come to terms with the fact that  _Rey might die tonight._ He knew that she was going to eventually, but he was never ready for it, especially now.  _She might die tonight and it's your fault, you let her go to that dance, and she got sick._ "This isn't your fault," Finn told him. "I know you like blaming yourself for things that are out of your control, but Rey is terminally ill--" His throat caught and he swallowed hard, "--and she knew what might happen. She wanted to spend every single moment that she could with you, she wants to spend every single moment that she can with you." Ben let goo of Finn and sat down across from him. 

"Rey will be fine," Poe said. "She always is." All three of them knew that it was a lie. Rey was not going to be fine. She'd never gone through seizures like that before, or had a heart attack, this was going to weaken her at least. Poe looked down and fidgetted for a few minutes before getting up and saying, "Did someone call Luke?" 

"The hospital might have but I'm not sure," 

"Well, I'll go call him okay? You guys stay here, Rey might be out of surgery soon and then--" 

 _Then they'll know how much time she had left._ Ben wished that he could be numb in this moment, he wished that he didn't feel anything, but there was nothing but feeling. He remembered the day that his mother died, the sheer anger that he felt at himself, at the world for taking her way too early, he had just stopped getting over it. He had just stopped crying himself to sleep and now this... this... 

_He loved her._

_Oh god, he loved everything about Rey, and he might fucking lose her tonight._ He found himself reliving all the times that he had avoided her, tried to forget her, and tried so hard to write her out of his life, and regretting every single second of it. 

_He had been such a stupid jerk._

_He had wasted precious time that he could have had with her and left her alone for so much time._

_God he was a fucking waste._

He remembered everything, the way she would have flecks of paint on her clothes for days after she finished painting, the way the sun would dance on her skin, and how she was so soft... He knew all of that and so much more... 

The doors to the hospital wing opened and a nurse came through the doors. At first Ben hadn't registered the fact that she was headed towards them, but she said, "Are you Miss Kenobi's friends?" Ben was the first to get up. 

"Yes! Is she okay?" The woman's face should have been telling. 

"She's not responding to our medicine--" It was then when Ben went deaf. His heart dropped so much that it hurt. He stumbled backwards, trying to catch his balance, trying to catch his breath. He didn't see someone else push through the door behind her.  _God he was so stupid. So so stupid. She was dead. She was dead. She was dead. There was nothing else he could do about it. He wasted time and he was an ass. He didn't get enough time. He hadn't gotten enough fucking time. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair._

He almost didn't hear the second nurse saying that Rey was awake. 

"She's awake?" Finn said. "Ben, she's awake. When can we go back and see her?"

"Give it a few minutes," The nurse said. "We're still putting her in a room, it's going to take a minute." 

With that the both of them left, and Poe and Luke came around the corner. "Is she--?"

"She's awake," Ben said. 

The drop in his heart had done something to him. He was out of breath, for sure,  but it was something else. Like he had been pulled out the Earth's gravity and was constantly off center. He sat down, trying to think about every thing that had just gone through his head and sort it all out while Poe, Finn, and Luke talked amongst each other. 

Ben felt like he was sitting there for hours before they had gotten him up and they followed a nurse to go see Rey. He wasn't sure what he expected and what to expect. He just kept feeling like he was going to vomit, each time he thought about the prospect of losing her it only got worse. 

 _It was only going to get worse,_ he thought to himself. 

* * *

 

Every part of Rey was numb. She had never been on so many drugs in her life, but she was glad she was, she didn't want to know what the pain would be like without the drugs. She didn't see or hear Finn, Poe, Luke, and Ben enter the room but she tried her best to smile when she saw them. 

"Hey," she managed. She reckoned that she must look like shit. Ben started to cry the second she spoke. She looked over to Finn in confusion. He didn't last too long either. It was Poe who came forward to her side and said, 

"Rey, you had a heart attack. You weren't responding to their attempts to wake you up." 

_Oh._

Silence. 

Rey knew that nothing was going to keep Ben or Finn from crying. Nothing to do to protect them. She wished that she could get up and comfort them both but she couldn't move a thing beyond her upper half. "They said that you lost all muscle control in your legs." Poe said. 

She knew she should be upset. 

She knew it was going to happen though. 

"Ben?" 

He looked up, tears still streaming down his face, and walked forward to meet her at the side of her bed. Everyone else took the cue to wait out in the hallway. Rey was glad she didn't have to say anything else. Her throat hurt too much to do that. "Hey," His voice cracked as he tried to calm himself down, and ultimately failed. 

"Hey," She tried to smile, to reassure him that everything would be fine. She knew it would be a lie to tell him that it was though. She could feel it coming up on her quicker than expected. She was too weak to run from it. "Why are you crying?"

"You know why I'm crying," He almost laughed as he grabbed her hand. She squeezed it tiredly. 

"Sit down, you look bad."

"Yeah I know," he followed her order, still holding her hand. 

"We need to talk," 

"What do you want to talk about?"

"We need to talk about when I'm gone--" Ben opened his mouth to interrupt, but decides against it. "--because you know it's going to happen. And sooner rather than later too." It was the cold truth, and she didn't want to say it, but it was time she confronted it. "I don't want you to stop playing piano because of me," She said. "I want you to be happy and create and do things you love."

"I-"

"That means going to that recruitment thing and playing the piano," She had to stop to catch her breath and she closed her eyes. "You go and you play your goddamn ass off okay?" 

Tears were threatening to escape from her eyes when she opened them. "I love you," He said. 

"I love you too," 

* * *

 

He was at the recital. He had made sure that he was the first one to get up there and there was a camera so Rey could hear him play back at the hospital. He had made sure that he had the piece he was going to play and he made sure that everything was ready ahead of time. 

That didn't mean he was ready. 

He hated this. 

He wanted to be with Rey, but she wanted him to play, so he was playing. The piece was something he had written something himself, but he had never practiced it before. _This had to be the definition of winging it._

He was told to begin. 

* * *

 

Even though the camera was shitty quality, Rey could still tell that Ben was nervous. It was in his everything. 

She wished she could be there. 

Comfort him. 

But she sat here with Finn's computer, watching the performance over Skype. 

* * *

 He began to play. 

Everything started to go numb. 

He remembered feeling like he was drowning for a moment, not remembering the keys, but it only took himself to remember who he was playing for. He wasn't playing for the assholes that were judging this or even himself. 

He was playing for Rey, and that's why it had to be perfect. This was her song. Her tribute.

This was everything Rey meant to him and more. It was the days they spent arguing back and forth, it was the days where he would cook her macaroni and they would watch the Twilight Zone and Gilmore Girls together, it was the moments where she would cuddle up to him in bed and remind his of everything that was right with the world in the moment, it was the way she painted him like he was some sort of goddamn hero in every picture he was in. 

He played like he needed oxygen, and the only thing giving it to him was the music that was flowing out of his fingertips. 

In a way it was. 

Ben wasn't sure if he would still be here with out it. No, he was sure he wouldn't be there.

Ben played so much that everything around him dissolved and in front of him, he saw a small girl on the bench next to him. 

"Hey," She said. "You look sad. Don't worry, I'll be your friend. I'll make you smile." Ben bit back tears and looked back to the piano. He kept playing, kept remembering all those times where Rey would glow in a way he didn't think was possible. 

He was reaching the end of the song now, and an older version of her was on the bench with him now. She still looked much healthier than she actually was. "It's lovely, you know. I'm glad you'll remember me like this. There's nothing better to be remembered by." She got up from the seat and kissed him on the forehead as the song got quieter and quieter and then walked beyond the piano, her figure disappearing in the bright lights. He wished he could see where she was going. He wished he could follow her. 

He couldn't. 

He stopped playing. 

The song was over. 

* * *

 

The song was over and Finn had closed the computer for her and placed it back in his bag. Rey could feel herself drifting, looking up at the bright lights as her breathing got shallower and shallower.  Finn was the one to bring her out of it. "Hey, Rey."

"Hey," She winced, a twinge in her shoulder making her uncomfortable for the slightest of seconds. "Whats up?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to make sure... Is there anything you want Ben to have?"

"I left a will-"

"No... I mean... Did you leave a note?" She nodded. 

"Where is it?"

"Art supply box in my room." She said. Finn nodded, saying something about how he would remember that, before he carried on talking like it was a normal day for the two of them. 

 She wished it was. 

* * *

 

Ben ran. He didn't think it would take so long to get back to the hospital, but while he was in traffick, Finn had called. She didn't have long left. 

He ran, his lungs screaming, he had to get to her room. 

He had to be there. 

He had to. 

He had to get there. 

She didn't have long left. 

* * *

 

 Rey always thought death would be painful, and more cold, but she felt really warm at the moment. Finn was there. Poe was there. Luke was there and Ben came charging through the door. 

He stopped when he saw her, but then came forward to hold her hand. This time he didn't cry. He was holding it back, she could tell. She wished she could grab his hand in return but she couldn't feel a thing. He kissed her on the forehead and she felt a small wave of pleasure run through her head. "It's okay," He told her. "I'm here," He says. "I'm here." He sniffs and then says, "Hey, we're forever okay? Even if it means the next life."

Suddenly she sees a flush of green, some blues and purples,  and then yellow, a field of sun flowers, a dark blue sky full of stars that twinkle all sorts of different colors, she remembers being here. Being happy. She sees her grandfather and Leia and knows that she's finally at home. 

 

* * *

 

 It's 11:50. 

She's gone. 

* * *

The funeral was small. Luke, Poe, Finn, and Ben were the only ones still alive that knew her the best. 

The funeral was nothing short of colors. There was paintings of hers on display and a sermon. All sorts of flowers lined her casket. Most importantly, the sunflowers from the field that Finn and Poe had shown her. The field that she loved so much. 

Ben was going to get up to say something but he broke down. 

He couldn't do it. 

He couldn't. Not while everything else was there. 

He played a song for her on the piano instead. The first song she had ever heard him perform. He tried to play her song, but felt himself shaking. 

Everyone was crying uncontrollably, especially watching Ben clutch to her coffin, slumped over as the pastor finished her ceremony. 

Ben watched her get buried next to her uncle. He stayed there until everyone else went to the car. "I wish I could say something with breaking down like a useless idiot," He said to her grave. "I wish that you were still alive so I could tell you... Julliard offered me a scholarship... I wish I could take you to New York. I bet you would love it." This was senseless. She wasn't hearing any of this. She was fucking dead. "Listen uh... Finn gave me the note you wrote for me before you um... Passed... And I..." He took it out of his pocket. "I haven't gotten around to reading it because... I just... I couldn't bring myself to do it." He said. "But I figured since you were here I could read it now. That would make it better. Right?" Silence. Ben unraveled the note and read it allowed. "Dear Ben, if you are reading this you'll know that I am dead. I want to start this letter by saying I am so sorry for leaving you and causing the amount of pain that I'm causing you at this moment. -- Hey, Rey... It's not your fault, you know, it's not your fault... Don't blame yourself-- I wish that I could hug you and kiss you and our time wouldn't be cut so short, but it is. Because life is unfair. Life is unfair and cruel and mean but that does not mean it can't also be kind. Life was kind to me in the fact that I got to be friends, that I got to be girlfriend to you. You may not believe it, but you were the only person who was ever for me, and even through all the shit we have been through, I love you to pieces and I always will. I will always love you, and I have faith in every thing you do. You will no doubt be okay, just let yourself believe that you will be. I know it will be hard and I know that if I was in the same position I wouldn't be able to do this, but I ask of you to make sure you take care of yourself and chase your dreams. That's all I ask of you. Oh, and if it helps-- look for me in the colors you see around you. I'm going to stop this letter before I ramble more, I love you and I will find you in the next life."

The letter ended with her signing her name and putting a small flower by it too. Ben folded up the note, and took in a big sigh. Something about the note had cleared out all of the pent up agressions he had left in him at the moment. He looked up to the sky, between the birds chirping in the trees and the leaves reflecting sunlight, he could see a rainbow above him, he saw butterflies fluttering around him, and he knew that he was going to be okay. 

Rey made sure of that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it's short but I didn't want to pour my heart and soul into the prologue


End file.
